Narcissistic Personality Disorder 0

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist’s life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it’s causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What’s more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist’s life, it’s often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages. However, by understanding more about narcissistic personality disorder, you can spot the narcissists in your life, protect yourself from their power plays, and establish healthier boundaries.

How narcissists destroy your dreams and limit your potential

Narcissist (insulting, arrogant) mate, partner, mentor steal your assets. You start overthinking their comments. You start toxic self talking. They make you think that you are idiot, not enough to do anything. Mock in front of other people. One day you lose your fight and stop trying. They are so insecure in themselves that they couldn't tolerate your success. They will say bad things about you. They have fragile little ego. They literally rob you your aspiration. Talking about people's dreams and listening them actively is amazing.

Your success means terrifying for them. Never clip your wings for another human being. Love means letting someone soar. Limiting any human being in any way is abuse. Achieve your aspirations. Not surviving but thriving. Not let narcissist give any chance. Robbing human potential by narcissist is horrific abuse. Keep distance with them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUtWkTyu7eo

Don't tell them your plans. Show them your results.

My story: At 10, my mom married a narc who spent hours drilling awful thoughts into my head, made me repeat them to myself. Called me a liar if I didn’t, demand me to “tell the truth”. He mocked me when I cried or told me I was trying to manipulate him into guilt. I didn’t understand why this was happening, why it seemed fine to everyone else.

All the confusion, shame and self-hatred became an eating disorder. His response: “how dare you do this to us?! We give you food, and you won’t even eat it! All you care about is yourself and your appearance.” “You know what we should do to punish her?” He told my mom “we should make her weigh twice as much as she did before, then she’ll REALLY know what it’s like to be big!” My disordered brain spun into chaotic terror.

1 yr later, I was going into high school, physically recovered. Told my parents I wanted to audition for the arts school. They said I didn’t deserve to go after what I put them through with my disorder, I wasn’t allowed. I kept writing, singing and playing guitar. Now I’m no contact and living in a major arts city with my bio dad who is encouraging me to pursue music bc it’s my passion, saying I have potential for success and I deserve it. I’m 17 and slowly learning to believe him.

Any person who truly loves you would say the same for you, and you should believe them, too. You are beautiful and so are your dreams.

I think Narcs have the tendency to create "impostor (a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain) syndrome" within their victims.

My narcissistic ex discarded me after 13 years the end of December 2019. He thought I would have to run home to my family. He wanted me to move out. Thank God my name was on the lease because it bought me some time. I was only working part time and had no savings. I immediately began applying to full time jobs like it was my job. In less than five weeks I had multiple interviews and by week 8 I had three job offers. I took one, began working, and looking for a new place. He tried to sabotage me by making me pay rent my last month knowing I was signing a lease putting down first months rent and a security deposit on my new place. I gave it to him anyway and also money for bills. Paid him back and then some to cover bills and any money he sent me after the break up while still living there. He left mid February after an argument and only came back for some things while I was still living there. He probably had new supply at that point but I stood firm. I moved out the first weekend in April and haven’t looked back. Only had contact once to pick up mail but had him leave it under the doormat. It’s been hard but I refuse to falter. Despite the events of 2020, I personally have flourished professionally, financially, physically and psychologically being without that psycho. Never again! I was in a trance for so many years. So much time wasted. My eyes are wide open now.

My narcissistic mother wouldn’t let me go to University. I was discouraged so I could pay her board. Later, I married an abusive, narcissistic man whose dreams were all that mattered.

I lost my house, my job, my doctorate, my pets and my family who all bought in ~ followed by my social connections who all believed everything he told them. That was followed by even more trauma. 6 years later ~ I have become a domestic violence mental health counselor pursuing licensure and a specialty. I could have died from the sorrow of all that loss, but this one light of hope, faith and believe that it would not kill me ~ it WOULD make me stronger .... held onto Frankl's work and the positive psychology movement I was working on when I was torn down, piece by piece. Thank you for putting all of this content out there. I share your work with every single client I have now. We are stronger together.

For anyone who is reading this that feels hopeless or that you can’t get out and can’t recover, I promise you that you can. You may not believe it now but YOU CAN. I never believed my life would get better, and when you’re in the middle of it you feel like there’s no escape but one day you will look back and feel relieved that that feeling is no longer part of your life. Stay strong, refuse to be isolated from your support network, listen to your friends who can see more clearly than you and want to help you. Take that help

The hardest part are the years we have wasted, years that are damaged and poisoned, our nice personalities that have been bruised ... But I strongly believe that karma is a bitch and have witnessed that many times. Valuable people leave narcissist.

"Nerver clip your wings for another human being." - dr. Ramani 2020. I should tattoo this on my forearm. Powerful message, thank you for this! ❤️❤️❤️*******

My narc mother told me in the car at age 30 "I never thought you'd ever learn how to drive!". At that point I had been driving for 4 years or more. I responded what do you mean NEVER, never as in until I die - like I'll be an old lady on my death bed saying man i wish i learned how to drive.. do you mean that kind of never? She looked at me a little shocked didn't know what to say and then I said, why did you think that, did you think that im not smart enough to drive, or have enough resources to learn - why did you think that? I can't remember all she said because she stuttered and was taken back and blurted some crap but that day she knew.. i had changed and she was on her last legs with me. A few years later i cut her and the other narcs in my family out forever and it's taken me 8 years to become who i am today and i am still healing and learning but my God the other side of this is amazing! Freedom to be who you are and feeling in control of your own life without being controlling like they are is great! I finally feel myself if that makes sense I feel I am my own person and living and being who i am truly and authentically.

After 28 years of marriage, and 35 years together, I hit rock-bottom. I didn’t even know who I was anymore and I sacrificed everything to try and make him happy, which was completely impossible in the first place. I became invisible and didn’t even know it. I sacrificed my happiness, but what makes me the saddest of all is I made my children have to do the same. I tried to be a mom and a dad to them and love and protect them while living a miserable life. He made me feel like something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough. He became an alcoholic and for over 10 years living through that was all I could bear . I finally opened my eyes up enough to know that either I was going to get out or I would die trying to please him. I say die because the stress had become so great sometimes I felt like I was either going to go insane or have a heart attack. Now, two years later, at 53 years old, I am divorced, I am going back for my master’s degree, and my children are off to happier lives, and I have a grown stronger every day on my own. Every day continues to be a struggle and he still lives inside my head and I have several bad dreams about him every week. I still question decisions I make and often question if I am doing the right things. Watching videos such as these has helped me get through and understand so much about narcissism. I never knew how many people struggled with this. Believe and value yourselves. We can do this!

My story: since 18yo i left my parents house, my mom is a narcissist. I never could be successful; even tho I wasn't living with my mom, it wasn't until I moved the other side of the country at 32yo, that i stared researching about narcissistic parents that i realized the hold she has on me. I'm just happy to be far away from her and begin my healing.

My dad: “You can’t do that... (fill in the blank).” Like learning to drive, I had to teach myself and then I got mocked for being a “bad” driver.

My ex who told me that even though I’ve been an artist my whole life, he told me that I could be a real artist’s assistant; I was qualified for that.

Ugh....

I am reminded of the parable about the eagle that was convinced that they they were a chicken.

I still am creative, just drew my daughter’s dog and am planning a new painting today. I wake up everyday with the focus that I am healthier, happier and more hopeful than ever! No one is going to hold me down! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

OMG This made me cry. I am newly out of a 27 year marriage with a narc and to be compared to a super hero is so validating. Most people do not understand how hard this is.

My father left when I was little and was in and out of my life. When I was 10 years old, he came after my mother and I, moved to our state where for two years he fought tooth and nail for custody of me and I barely knew what was going on. Every time I would see him on the weekends, he'd do everything to get me to come live with him. Food. Vacations. Games. Then whenever I'd go back to my mom's it'd be the same thing, the only difference is my mom didn't need to badmouth my dad when I was there. He'd even come up to my school to talk crap about her to my teachers (had 2), making one teacher feel so bad she put a $100 credit on my lunch account.When I was 12 my father and I were in his truck where he hurt me physically to get me to live with him. I was so naive and so scared I didn't tell anyone and the next day told my mom I would live with my dad and that was it.

The next six years of my life were a nightmare. He was a firefighter so automatically he was gone 33% of the time (thank goodness I only had to deal with him that much). He loved calling himself a 'hardass' and he even called his parenting style 'Camp (lastname)'. Yes, incredibly narcissistic in every way. Everyday I was either "lazy" or "clueless" or "spoiled", when in reality my father always put me in a position where he could label me whenever he wanted and I was helpless. Worst was when he'd compare me to my high school best friend Zack. If it wasn't Zack it was my cousin Allie. See that's the thing about people like this. There's always someone else that's comparatively better to them. Nothing is ever good enough for them.

I'm 27 now and I don't speak to my father anymore. There is only one way to win with people like this. You have to get out. They will mock you, they will tell you that you won't make it without them, but if your gut is telling you to leave, and if you never feel a sense of comfort around them, YOU NEED TO LEAVE. NEVER GIVE UP AND NEVER STOP FIGHTING. You have got this!

EDIT: For anyone wondering I brought up the abuse and him laying his hands on me in the truck, of course it "didn't happen that way". Never let narcissistic people minimize or invalidate you. Your memory is just fine.

In the end they will ultimately destroy their own souls through their wickedness .. GOD sees everything ..

This video gave me anxiety. I can't even begin to think of the potential I lost wasting time with my ex and her demeaning comments. Even now I'm divorced she says them to my kids to belittle me.

...if it happened in childhood, dearest Dr. Ramani - You still have a chance to heal - but when You have already kids with the ´wrong person ´or later in life You can´t have kids anymore - this is called Destiny Assasination - which is even worse than caracter assasination ....

I had to give up my thoughts on having a peaceful home where my spouse would want things affordable and living within our means. I gave up wanting a polite, loving, caring husband who valued my input in decisions. I gave up romantic notions of walking hand in hand. (he hated holding hands and I find it very romantic). I gave up my family in exchange for his bossy, interfering meddling one. Now... I'm giving up nothing to him. He does everything alone and I'm happy with my kids, grandkids and friends, living here in the same apartment, but totally separate from him.

Mine has made me so afraid of success that I am vulnerable with almost any level of functionality... currently... I'll get there. It was always like I was personally attacking my mother and grandmother if I did anything for myself or anything positive.

I had to give up relationships I spent 6 years on my own serving them... but now I've given them up, I have a beautiful marriage, I am working part time and I just finished a business class.

I’ve been a singer my whole life. My mom always told me, “wow, you’re so great!” Then when I graduated high school and was telling her yet again of wanting to do music professionally, she got angry, got off the phone (probably hung up, but I can’t remember), then texted me a long message that said, “you think you’re good, but you’re not” and I actually hadn’t thought about that message until a few weeks ago. It hurts, but I know it’s not personal. My mother literally hates herself so much, that she is trying to kill any life I have in me (which has never been dampened even after years of abuse). Then, when she got home from work, she said that she had never said that, even though it was in the messages. Lol. When it hurts, I just say, “well what if I was her?” Being a narcissist is a slow death sentence, and that’s all it is. It literally sounds like demonic oppression.

My father had been telling me I was worthless and stupid since I was a toddler. My mother and sister became his flying monkeys. They were very narcissistic themselves. They went into high gear with the abuse after my husband died. I moved out of state with my daughter and with not being around them, we both became very successful.

As a kid my mum would always say "you get colds very easily, you always get sick, you can't be outside that long, cold air really affects your health". And I grew up feeling weak and also getting colds frequently. In 2016 I attended a marathon to see my boyfriend (now husband) run that distance for the first time. The energy in the air was magic. So that year I decided to begin running. I was very slow. And I also had my mum's voice in my head of not being able to stay in outside that much time, and I had to if I wanted to train to get better. And I did! And my immune system got stronger and stronger! I have run under pouring rain, very early in the morning, late at night, under the moon and under the sun.

And last year I ran a marathon for the first time in my life!!! I said it was my first time because I am planning on running more marathons!

Story: spent 20 years working with a business partner that was a narcissist and I left over 2 years ago to escape the behaviour. I'm slowly starting to regain my confidence and independence. What was surprising for me was how long and how hard it was to recover. During the time you are under their control/gas-lighting/ you never realize how much the abuse is effecting you. How much energy they are stealing from you. Once you get out it is like an avalanche of awareness comes in on why you needed to leave. Keep up the amazing work and thank you for this video!

Breaking free! 15 years of abuse from my soon to be ex- wife. A long way to go- but feeling like “I lost 300 lbs” already!!!! Thanks for sharing this video

I was abused physically and mentally for years, i loved her deeply now fiinding out it was trauma bonding, we two kids together, where slowly she would eventually make me the stay at home dad while she worked, cheated, came home, would make me feel small. i had an addiction she would feed it.until one day when i had finsihed our new house and was giving her everything , at lunch just grabbed the kids and left, i had no idea why, we seperated she got a new place right away, all the while she told me we were still together and we could work on it, i caught her in her new place with man, again still saying we are together. and when i told her she was cheating she said she did not do anything wrong, and of course trashing to everyone she could behind my back, after that i was done, so i am now fighting to see my children its been 24 days since ive seen them.

"Never clip your wings for another human being. Love means letting someone soar. And limiting any human being in any way is abuse." This one had me bawling! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your work ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

My parents were abusive, and it led to me always doing sub par throughout school and being uninvolved with other people. When I started college, I felt a surge of empowerment and began to do extremely well. I had a near 4.0 gpa, I was physically active, had many friends, and dove head first into creating art. Then I met a guy who I seemed to have an instant connection with. He was smart, kind, and successful, and loved me- so it seemed. We got married, started a family, but over the course of that, it became clear that I had no idea who he was, and that he was definitely not as well off as a person as he seemed. One by one, my passions fell off. My friends were the first to get cut, because he had always found issues with them. My education was stopped so I could watch our daughter while he finished his. I hadn't drawn or painted since the day I met him, and I lost all interest in exercise. The abuse got increasingly physical, and one day it clicked for me that this man just wanted to see me snuff out like a candle. My lack of success helped him feel better about his rocky, slow moving success. I left, and it's taken a year, but I have completed another year of school, I have gotten back into shape, and I have been able to connect to other people. Meanwhile, I have no idea what he is doing or what he looks like. I just know he's incessantly tried to find out about my life, which us funny when you think about it.

At different times I've wished my parents never had me. They were extremely neglectful and even abusive which my dad completely denies and tells everyone I'm a nasty ungrateful brat but its him who's a total narcissist and cant handle the fact I'm an adult now ( 25 who has a great job and my own house by the way ) and not afraid to tell him like it is anymore because hes toxic. Sometimes I think he had children just so he could scream at/hit us and take out his anger at his own failures. Mum was a severe alcoholic as well which is traumatic in itself. I wont let those experiences beat me though and nobody else should either!!! We are better than them. Spread light and love ✌💕

Thank you for this video it is very true they shatter dreams. Although I'm doing well enough I believe I could have achieved even more amazing things with a different childhood and yanno what children and teenagers need to be told its OKAY to tell someone if someone is being a horrible narcissist regardless if they are blood related because its abuse. Wish I would have spoke my truth while still in school because if we dont speak up and break out you carry this trauma for a long time if not for life.

Krisztina G.

6 days ago

I understand. I'm angry, too. These creatures steal everything, we have to shrink ourselves to please them. I literally cried when you said it's never too late, we shouldn't give up. I know I shouldn't but after losing my health everything seems to be unavailable... but thank you, your words are giving me strength!

Heidi Haeni

1 week ago

A wolf pack of Mean Girls moved into apartments in my neighborhood while I was attempting to finish college. They would stay up late at night and throw shoes against the other side of my bedroom wall making it hard for me to sleep. They made fun of my clothes. They made fun of my hair. They said untrue things about me to other people making it hard for me to make friends since I'm shy anyway. I didn't have the money to move somewhere quieter, so I would pray and pray to God to help me move to get away from these women. Eventually, they all moved away one by one with the last one moving out in a few weeks. It was hard to avoid them because they were members of my church congregation. I used to take a bus to other towns to run my errands or see a doctor or dentist just to avoid them.

The last one of them to move out stopped attending church in December 2019. Since then, I received a raise and a promotion. I also did some soul-searching and found some of my personality strengths. It's amazing how much better our lives are once we are free.

Al Ha

1 week ago

Thank god someone understands this. It feels like no one else does, because they hide it and then lie that they ever did it to you. Before this, I had no idea anyone could be so evil.

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Noel de la Rosa

1 week ago

“If you could survive that you could do anything” made me cry. Then “give everyone a chance” made me laugh. Finally after 5 years I feel like someone understands. I’m on brick one. Day zero. Thank you dr. Ramani. “Salamat.” Philippines 🇵🇭

ozwelshcobs

1 week ago

My narcissistic family destroyed me. They never gave me a chance to dream. Too busy trying to survive

Linda Guida

1 week ago

We heard this growing up as children, my youngest sister ended up with an overdose 😢

In highschool I had my whole academic future mapped out so I could apply to the space program and become an astronaut. Instead, I married as a sophomore, dropped out of school, moved overseas to an isolated village in the desert, and had 14 kids over the space of 24 years. I was denied friends, family (mine or his), and even television. I was permitted one trip back home after 12 years to test for my GED only because he thought I could get a job in the local town as an English teacher. I did earn my GED, passing in the top 95 percentile, but when it was learned that I would now need a degree to teach (it was previously not a requisite), I was never allowed to take it further. After 14 more years of his unbelievable abuse, not just of me, but toward all of my children, as well, I finally knew it was time to escape. I quietly moved in with my eldest son, who was living and working in the capital city. I had to leave behind all of my young ones because I knew my husband would do something insane if I took even one of 'his' kids. My 2 eldest daughters were both in university, so I knew they would all be taken care of. I suffered a lot of very negative backlash because I didn't 'stick it out', but I felt that after 30 years of doing everything imaginable to make it work, it was time to save my sanity. I also knew deep down that if my kids were going to have any chance at all for a life, I had to be the catalyst. My leaving made it possible for them to gradually escape the insane bondage that he has placed on everyone in his life. it's been a slow process, but several of my children are successfully employed and living on their own(even the girls!).

My husband has never agreed to a divorce(he's holding on to that little bit of control), but he does now have another wife encapsulated in my desert house. I feel bad for her. She only sees the facade that he presents to her. From what my kids have said, he actually has her even more entrapped than he had us. Soon, the devaluation will start in earnest for her because a leopard can never change his spots.

Since leaving my desert prison, I have maintained a successful career in the education sector, both as a teacher and a recruiter for international schools, and my children are living with me again!

So many things have changed for the better simply because I made the decision to leave an incredibly toxic person. I won't say it's all peachy now because he is still their father, so he is still able to make us pretty miserable sometimes. But it is no where near as often or as awful as it was way back when he was living in the same house with us.

I hope that my story can help someone to gather the strength and take that first step...

I wasted forty-five years of my now forty-nine-year marriage to a covert trying to fix the confusing mess I thought I was in. Now I am too old and too feeble to anything I ever might have thought was possible with my life. Do not waste your life over something that was NEVER about you! Regrets? Totally stuck in that. There are no do-overs when you waste your whole life over nothing. Get your mind back now! I still suffer from myriad of physical symptoms because it damaged me so severely. Daily struggle just to climb out of bed. You really do NOT want to be there! Listen to this lady!

I'm 45 years old and just realized that my entire life has been about another narcissist's abuse towards me. The abuse left me with a borderline personality disorder and many therapists who never pointed out that the emotional abuse I endured from family is because of narcissism. Friends I've known for years have ghosted me and I know now they are narcissists themselves. But I did doubt myself thinking I was the narcissist or did something wrong and that is why they ghosted me.

The current state of the world has created a lot of alone time for me and a time to reflect and cleanse myself of the toxic vibes I've absorbed. I'm empathetic, a rescuer and both of my parents are narcissists. I also have 4 sisters and only the narcissistic ones stay in touch with each other. I have estranged myself from my family. I also have 13 nieces and nephews and I don't have a relationship with any of them. I feel so down and ugly about who I've become. I'm judgmental, critical and extremely insecure. I doubt myself so much that I never did anything with my photojournalism degree. Even my school adviser gaslighted and devalued me when I applied for a local newspaper gig. His reference letter mentioned my inability to stay focused and I lose interest in subjects quickly.

I'm sick and tired of having my boundaries violated. I never could go into business for myself because it meant writing out my goals and vision which I never could figure out. The confusion I've experienced my entire life just shows how often a narcissist has selfishly projected their insecurities onto me.

Thank you for the clarity your videos have given me. I got 45 years to release. It'll probably take me all summer.

one thing I'm reminded of almost every day is how important it is to remember who I was before I got into this toxic relationship, which gives me hope that I can be that person again, and build from there.

One day I said to my narc: "My choice of being with you destroyed my dreams.". Later on I realised that I give him the power by not achiving success with my own life. I'm still on the process of custody of our son, living under the same roof, but now I am more woken then ever. It's hard, very hard, but what changed is that every day I look into the mirror and I say to myself, One Day At A Time and Don't Doubt Yourself. Stay strong people.

When I write music; my wife accuses me of writing songs for "some other girl". When I try to write a book; my wife mocks my "writing stories, writing stories". When I paint rocks for relaxation(and to sell occasionally); my wife nags me that I should be "producing more of them per day" like an assembly line. Just some of the ways the narc tries to squash your motivation. I would buy it for a while and I even quit doing those things.

I have gradually started doing them again(except for the rock painting) with no interference so far. Though I think there probably will be when I start really getting back into doing them and they take more of my time(and hers, of course).

Now, saying that, I can't really blame it all on her, as I do have a problem with procrastination. But the negativity I get from her really doesn't help matters.

Narc Survivor

1 week ago

They will discredit and devalue you to other people, so that they no longer trust you.

It took me almost 2 years to start my own business with a friend. She always said that we had to spend money with something else - like buying a new car. When I finally started it she left me. She said that money is not everything, that I was neglectful and a bunch of shit how horrible I am. Also she just left because she was having an affair with her boss 🤷🏻‍♂️. They will never walk away without having a new supply.

Why is it that I feel like you're speaking of my life, and why is it that I can not find anyone like you to help me?

As a young newly wed husband, I had an opportunity to take a hospital job that was nearly double what I was making at the time. When I told my dad, instead of saying "good job", he told me that I shouldn't take it, and that I should stay at the "church's" hospital. My father was/is the most narcissistic person you will ever meet. A communal narcissist who had two faces - one for church, and the real one for his family.

BTW, I took the new job, I then had enough to buy my first new car. I bring the car to show my dad. Was he proud of me? Nope... "You shouldn't have bought a new car, it would have been better to buy a used car."

On and on it went. I developed panic disorder early on that debilitated me, but I managed push it deep inside and hide it from everyone around me. Fast forward 40 years and here I am. Still dealing with it.

Oh, lest I forget, I was repeatedly molested by my older brother (the "golden child") from the age of 11 - 16. Oh and I had a younger brother who died just after being born, so I was supposed to be a middle child not the baby. So my mother neglected me and like my father sought to demean me any chance she could.

So it was 3 against 1. I've cut all contact with those 3, and you can guess the result. Yep, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one devil possessed. I will be going to hell. But the silver lining to this story is that at least I won't have to spend eternity with them.

has25252

1 week ago

Like that line in "Unforgiven" - "Killin' a man's a hell of a thing - you take away everything they have, and everything they're ever going to have".

It is sickening. I've thought of things we may have witnessed in this life, too. I wanted to be able to get my piano music published. It requires lots of alone time and concentration to do and the narcissist is always nagging or starting something.

Tania Gomez

1 week ago

This made me cry 😢 This is life of death scenario for survivors. It’s almost as if we are dead alive. We need to rise.

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M Dee

1 week ago

Dr. Ramani - I am almost speechless. Havent even processed everything you said yet, but wanted to thank you. You are helping us,, changing us, guiding us - one by one to unlock our true potential.

I am so very grateful. Kudos & may the blessings return to you ten thousand fold.

I ended up unemployed for three years after a boss I'd had absolutely destroyed my confidence.

I then attracted a very similar personality into my life who wanted to keep me at rock bottom and continually told me I wasn't good enough to do what I wanted to do with my life.

Having those two important voices saying the same negative things to me again and again really took its toll. 2 years after that relationship ended, and 4 years after that job ended, I'm still trying to get my confidence up.... but I've been employed for over a year now, I'm in a MUCH healthier relationship, and although I frequently have mental setbacks I can see how far I've come and that inspires me to go further :)

Thanks so much for this video and all your wonderful work.

Even typing this out was cathartic :)

I was the scapegoat to my mother's narcissistic behaviors. I'm still trying to recover. I spent so many years trying to make her happy with me. She would use that to get what ever she could out of it. She's dead now, and I left her before her death.

Elka Roth

1 week ago

I’m almost out of this. I’m ready to thrive in my career. He pretended to support me publicly and did subtle things to discourage me but never outright said anything negative. He is extremely smart and calculating. So instead he mocked my spiritual practice to disarm me. These videos have convinced me I’m not crazy or evil I took the time to write everything down so when he tried to love bomb and use words of manipulation I will never forget the constant disrespect and gaslighting. Whew. I’m finally going to be free

My piano teacher mum said "that's too advanced for you" AFTER I played the piece through! So I've found a new teacher that says "that's awesome" every time I play... it's wonderful :)

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Jeanette Quesada

1 week ago (edited)

This is just one of the memory of my mother's narcissism. I was in middle school at the time and there were city-wide stair-step competitions starting in the classroom, then school and onto the city. I won 2 of the competitions in my class and school. This meant my poem and artwork would go onto the city wide competitions. I won 3rd place for my poem for which they announced in the City Auditorium, in front of all the other school wide winners and their parents. I felt pretty good about it. Later in the year, I won another competition for my artwork and as before the winners were announced in the City Auditorium. I won 3rd place again. When my name was announced, my mother turned to me and said with slow pronunciation of every syllable enunciated in a low whisper, "You just can't do any better than 3rd place, can you?!" It flatten me. In hindsight, that moment was a part of a foundation for the proverbial wall, "not good enough", I began to build. This wall became a hurdle throughout many moments of my life, I couldn't get over. I know there are times when I got close to jumping over it, but the intense feeling of "not being good enough" was also accompanied by "you don't deserve anything good" and along my path in life I picked up people as friends, lovers, husband etc...to support that view of myself. It is a labyrinth, but I'm finding that it's not impossible to put all those negative statements to rest by a blessing. Serious here and not proselytizing but God has been the one significant benefactor in my healing. Thanks for reading and may God bless you.

Sometimes there's so much at risk when it comes to standing up for yourself, to demand respect and to be treated like a decent human being.

That's the main reason why many of us allow the abuse, because it's either that or them cutting off what you need for survival while making you miserable until you manage to escape (especially if they're parents).

Your channel is giving me plenty of strength to keep going until I can break free, but even then just having the tools to change my mindset is freeing on its own. Thanks for the work you put up, and I send courage and virtual hugs to anyone going through this.

We've been through hell and back and it proves we're stronger than we ever imagine ❤️

Jeanie Phillips

3 days ago (edited)

Due to his ongoing "crazy making" and wrongful accusations constantly created anxiety to the point my clinical care of others became scattered and distracted. I was gaslighted so many times, I was losing my expertise in critical thinking expertise. Horrific!

The gaslighting and invalidating over the years from several friends and family members eroded my self esteem and confidence. The withdrawal of the peptide addiction when I went no contact with the most cruel literally sucked the life out of me.

Its been almost 2 years, I've been working with a great therapist who understands trauma and narcissistic abuse. I've built myself up, and my goat yoga classes are selling out. I am bringing delight and joy to others. I am a survivor and choosing to let go of the hold of the past and live my best life.. Thank you Dr Ramani.

My story:

Lost my chosen family

Lost my dream job

Lost my life partner

Lost my home

Lost my hope

But then I figured it out.

I knew what the abusive person who turned my fiancee away from me is. I realized how much they, in their intentionl drive to break us up and their willingness to literally let me die, had gaslighted me into believing myself to be a monster.

That realization, that I was worthy of love and acceptance, happiness and trust, changed me.

I got off the streets. I found an amazing job in my field that was a 20% pay raise and a titled promotion. I love it. I got my own place, and I'm taking care of the things that really matter.

It gets better. It gets so, so much better.

The sad but also beautiful realisation that came out through this pandemic: it hasn't changed anything for me. I dont have many friends, the ones i have, i have to hide, not talk about another, and always be present to open up emotionnaly and positive, for them. There have been a lot of hard times. There won't be many more, as I breath and think clearly now.

Dark Room

1 week ago (edited)

I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with a comedienne when I got into comedy and she absolutely destroyed my career. The things they do behind your back are unbelievable to most of us. They are the most destructive people I’ve ever come across. Just remember that they are demons.

I had to walk away from my dream career.

Trying to remember what my aspirations were. Reading - that I do. But dreams. I've had so many and I do not remember. I used to hear so many times how someone else was far off in doing what I wanted to start doing. I was told that it's either too hard or nor worth it. I trusted my dreams, my aspirations to someone who crushed them each and every time. I didn't know it was abuse until I lost trust.

Once the trust was gone I could move on. I cut people out, felt guilty but refused to move on any other way. By now I have my health, my mind is clearer, I study constantly, I read. My aspirations are back but I am highly doubtful of the path. I always second guess myself but I try to heal that part too.

I want nothing into my life unless it is honest, secure and wants whats best for me according to me and not them. I just feel better now. But the relationship I have with myself I need to still work on. I have to tell myself all the words of affirmation that I didn't get from home. It's taking time and I wish it was easier. Knowing that the worst is over takes time to accept. Life is good.

The worst thing is when I have a setback and I think “My parents are right, I am worthless”. I live in fear of living constantly, and I place myself exactly where my parents always worked on placing me: helpless, hopeless and at their mercy.

After I left the narc last year:

1. I learned to drive

2. and bought my first automobile

3. I left my job where I worked for 8.5 years.

4. I gave me permission to make a pause for 1 year not working, just recovering from the 8 year relationship with the narc

5. I lost 11 kg weight. Now I feel so good in my body

And the list will continue, because I know my potential and I know what I want from life. I thank God every single day for giving me the strengh to resist and to continue în this difficult process.

I am with you Tatiana. Read my comment below. I feel the same as you. I am so. thankful to be free from my 10+ years of total hell and insanity. You are strong brave and able, and God is empowering you and protecting, leading and guiding you.

I never understood the issue until a few years ago when I started reading up on narcissists. It really is a mental disorder on some. I am just so glad I finally got the answer that it really was not me...and I am not crazy.

Its so true ,i was in such a relationship for years,my narc partner,made me loose my confidence,he always used to say i would never even make it for masters into the universities i aspire and i believed,i gave up on my dreams to marry him,maybe he would be happy if i could fulfill his wishes but just before the marriage date arrived i realised and i called it off,i went no contact and guess what i got into the university which he once told i am not capable of getting into..And i feel so good about it,its about believing in yourself and should never listen to anyone saying anythng about your dreams,i knew deep down that why my gut helped me to pull out of it...Well even now though most people dont believe me that he actually he talked me out of my potiential cause this person claims to have been an encouragement for me ,but now who cares....You know who you are and that matters..

I called him the master illusionist. My father had practiced his craft for so long and he was so good at it. He had my entire family under the impression that he was this prominent, wealthy figure who's opinion was so important and always correct. He was a hollow shell of a man and was so insecure, with zero capability of being vulnerable or saying sorry, but had all the potential of saying things to completely disarm you and make you withdraw into yourself. After I became a certain age, he never said happy birthday anymore, and every interaction felt so forced that I began to avoid crossing paths with him within the house. I would let myself be hungry for hours in my room until I knew he wasn't sitting in his recliner watching TV next to the kitchen area. He sat there for most of the day. We had plenty of food in the fridge because my mom is a chef and loves to cook, but my brother and I would leave to pickup food from some place else if we didn't have the energy to go to the kitchen and interact with him.

I spent 27 years subconsciously seeking a crumb of validation from my father. I went through a drug addiction for 3-4 years. I sought relationships with other narcissist-like people. I partied and tried to make as many friends as possible, simply trying to fill a void in ways that recently became apparent to me. I delayed any attempt at my dream to go to medical school for YEARS because I had such low self esteem. But at 27 years old I finally had an internal snap, and one night I confronted him after he left my mom alone at a store and she had called me crying because he had a hissy fit over the smallest, trivial thing.

It was a night i'll never forget. I felt the full force of a "narcissistic injury." Everything changed since then. My parents divorced several months after. I moved to another state to finally start medical school. He told me I was going to fail out of my first year and return home. I am in my 3rd year now. I have struggled every day in school mostly because I have been my own worst enemy and didn't believe in myself. That has all slowly improved over time since being away from him, but it is a difficult gift to deal with because you cant simply return to sender.

After divorcing, he moved 2 hours away from any family. He was very ill, with many comobrid diseases. He passed away in March this year, all alone, on a recliner in front of a TV. I feel many things. Sad, relieved, frustrated, regretful, confused, and free. I am 30 years old now and feel like I'm just figuring out who I am. I encourage anyone to do what they need to do to get away from their narcissistic abuser. It is scary as hell and so difficult, but I deal with a slight regret of not having done it sooner. Everything at its proper time.

Love this!

So true! When you wake up and realize all that abuse was unnecessary, it can be like a very painful poison that only time and application and affirmation of independence will heal. But you gotta practice the patience, compassion, problem solving skills and commitment level you'd otherwise reserve for them. Lest you die of the pain of regret, the trauma , and the carnage you're left to clean up after.

Also commit, to getting well and staying well, if it costs you peace of mind, it's too expensive.

Learn to just let that shit go.

Just like those sandbags Dr Ramani talks about.

It could mean all the difference between taking responsibility for something that isn't yours to carry, or put up with the burden & dying from a heart attack to seek validation from Dr. Evil himself...who fyi: set you up to fail.

If I stay, which I’m not, I’ll find a way out, I’d have to give up having another child, not owning a home, not starting a business I’ve always dreamed of and would never hold travel as a priority which I’m longing for.

Miau Miau Ham Ham

2 days ago

This made me cry. I have been put down by my partner for 10 years, over and over again. Thank you so much.

Crithosceleg

2 days ago

Art is my passion, ever since I could pick up a pencil. My whole life I've gotten discouragement from people around me - things like, "there's no money in it" or "you have to be really good to work for big places like Disney" when just stating a dream as a child to work for a place that made movies that inspired me. It wasn't until I became emotionally enmeshed with a friend that only saw my art as a profit potential for herself. She loved to tell me mistakes 'other' people pointed out. Sent my toxic perfectionism spiraling. I'm still trying to deprogram the years of criticism and negativity that have been instilled in me - it's really hard for me not to pick apart every little detail of my work.

Toxic friend has been cut from my life and I've been working on reprogramming the toxic perfectionist string of thoughts and surrounded myself in a positive art community and I've never loved my art more than I do now. I'm working my way up to opening myself up to commissions, and when I do it will be money I earn for myself and no one else.

emotionally enmeshed with a friend that only saw my art as a profit potential for herself. She loved to tell me mistakes 'other' people pointed out. Sent my toxic perfectionism spiraling. I'm still trying to deprogram the years of criticism and negativity that have been instilled in me - it's really hard for me not to pick apart every little detail of my work.

That's why yesterday on the USA's independence day, I celebrated my freedom from my narcissist! Free at last for the last year, my career has soared. I'm truly living my best life!

Sarah Johnson

1 day ago

He destroyed what I thought of myself, my life, and my reality. He convinced me I had a personality disorder due to how much I questioned the lies around me. I will not let him win. I am resilient and will continue to walk farther and farther away from him each day and find myself again. You can do this.

My father has suffocated me and my dreams and aspirations my whole life, and I have only realized it in the last 1-2 years. I started to notice it most durring the process of buying my first home. My father and I have been butting heads so badly over the process of buying and what I should and should not do with my home. I have been trying to put boundaries up to preserve the relationship with my father, but any time I tell him anything I'm doing in my life he uses that to tell me what I should do and shouldn't do. I am now looking to sell my he because it's to expensive for me to keep and he found out by dropping by. My father decided he should call my realtor to check the market comps and to make sure my realtor sells my house for what he thinks it should sell for. I did not ask for his help with the selling process and I'm not asking him to sell the house. Which he offered to do for $5k. I told him I didn't want his help because he and I have done nothing but but heads over my house. I have distanced myself from him for the last several months and because he was not showing any respect for what I wanted to do with my house. Having the time away from him has really opened my eyes to how toxic my relationship has been with him. I have come to realize how damaging it is for me to have him in my life and I have realized how many things I have not done because his ego wouldn't allow me to have a great business idea or even to let me leave my job. My greatest challenge right now is how to remind myself that he is. Not foung to change and that I need to put an end to my relationship with him. I have cut him off before, but months later I feel like maybe I can have a casual conversation with him about life and see how my father is doing... however, each time I do go back to him, he disrespects my boundaries and invalids my personal life. (Talking to my realtor) something more recently that he has been doing is with any success I have managed to experience, he has been playing claim to do to his efforts in working with me. Saying that in would have never achieved those things if it hadn't been for him... I can't believe the level of emotional and psychological abuse he has put me theough and I haven't realized it until now.... any suggestions on how to remember how toxic my father is so I don't continue to go back to him only to be hurt by him?

Thank you so much for this video Dr. Ramani, for recognising all of us who have had our hopes, dreams, aspirations shattered and our light dimmed. For years I struggled to make sense of my family, and it took a devastating, but thankfully short-lived relationship with a covert narcissist for me to open Pandora’s box revealing a history of multi-generational history of narcissism, domestic, violence and abuse within my own family. The puzzle pieces are coming together.

I’ve never really been one to leave public comments, but this video spoke to me. You’ve asked us to share how we have thrived despite having being robbed of our dreams and potential, so, I wanted share my story (albeit a condensed version, though still wordy). I grew up being the scapegoat child. I hope that by sharing my story it helps raise awareness, and more importantly, despite everything, that it is worth fighting for your time to shine and thrive.

I have memories from as early as age 2 where I was often roughly mishandled. I often had my wrist slammed into the edges of the study table when being taught to write the alphabet, or would have my fingers crushed roughly to make me hold a pencil right. One of my earliest memories is of being dragged across bitumen roughly and hauled up by my forearm like a ragdoll when I tripped over some stairs. I remember hiding in terror and fear as a child, often under blankets (once under a mattress on the floor that I can recall).

I have memories where my father would physically hurt me, and my mother would stand in the doorway and let it happen.

My mother used to take a fine cane to cane me till I had welts and split skin. This was reserved for myself and the two family dogs. There was no reason for the punishment. I learned early on to be as perfect as possible.

At age 6 when I started to become more aware of the meaning of his words, my father would repeat to me daily, on each drive to and from school, that I was a “stupid, useless, good for nothing failure that would never amount to anything”. This continued until I finally went no contact.

I was never allowed to participate in any team sport. I wasn’t to have any interests outside of playing the piano. There was never any choice. I’d always wanted to learn a martial art, and to this day, I have always wanted to learn ballet and gymnastics

Our helper and my tutors were instructed that they were welcome to use physical force and hit me if I ever behaved in anyway deemed inappropriate.

Anything less than a hundred percent on any test or a scorecard meant I had failed and was reminded as such, yet time after time my father found different ways to sabotage my schooling.

My father physically destroyed anything of value to me, from my books, to gifts, toys. Especially the books; he would rip them apart, damage them beyond repair, throw them out with hate from my room.

Somehow at that age I’d already figured out the best reaction was to seem emotionless and silent and not show any tears. I am sure I shrunk into myself. I often dissociated – all the way into senior high school. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had things thrown at my face, told to shut up or that he’d “break my face and knock all my teeth out”.

My mother was the enabler and abusive in other ways, and she was always supportive of his behaviour.

My brother was born just before I turned 7. It wasn’t long before his role as the golden child became clear. And he too was encouraged to join in the abuse. In fact, he is more malignant of a narcissist than my father. He was actively supported and encouraged to destroy any of my treasured possessions. I was told how he was much smarter than me.

Once I hit puberty, my physical appearance was the subject of constant, malicious ridicule. I was called fat on a daily basis, often berated for eating any more food than my father thought appropriate for me to consume. My acne was picked on, the shape of my mouth, anything that could be picked on was free game for criticism. I was called a ton of names that are deeply hurtful to iterate and my brother was encouraged to participate in the taunting and name calling. My enabling mother would leer at the size of my chest and make me feel intensely uncomfortable and she would often tell me I was dieting just so I could look thin. The comments my brother would make also took on a more sexual undertone. I never felt safe in the home. Things were thrown at me to hit my face on more than one occasion.

I was taken out of school most days during my time in high school, and by large – my education was rather incomplete, especially in the areas of maths and science. By this point I was failing multiple classes despite being a scholarship student. Taking me out of school was done under the guise of music practice. I had an epiphany today. I was labelled a ‘gifted’ child both academically and especially musically, but as I grew older and my father less able to take credit for my musical ability, he put an end to my music education. He would tell me he was ashamed of me, that my playing was an utter embarrassment.

By senior high school I was not sent to school. I largely taught myself my A Level syllabus. I knew I needed an education and I knew I needed to hold on to my dreams. I wanted to be a doctor. My father told me I would never be a doctor. He did everything he could to disrupt my studies.

Whilst waiting for my A Level results I applied for my first job. As I headed for my interview, my father remarked “Don’t worry, you won’t get the job”. I came home with the job.

Fortunately for me, my father has something to prove to another family member and with my grandmother’s help, I was (surprisingly) sent overseas for university studies. The sabotage continued, I was often left without money to pay semester fees which left me unable to attend classes. I had no say as to what degree I could choose, and he chose a science degree of little value. I changed my course major to Chemistry without his knowledge, which was the best I could do at the time. I also took up a double degree in music and topped my faculty. During one summer break I insisted that I stay overseas (I was made to return every break, even during mid-semester breaks) to gain some work experience to set myself up for success upon graduation. I also made the mistake of mentioning I had topped my faculty. Upon this act of ‘defiance’, he cut off funds for my education, hoping I would return home. I often went without food, worked below minimum wage and accumulated a ton of debt to pay my way through university as a foreign student. Whilst some friends were supportive, others told me I should just ‘swallow my pride and go home’ to my father because he knew what was best. To me, that option was as good as being dead and I damned well knew if I forced to return I’d hurl myself of the top of their apartment block.

I tried to reach out to with forgiveness, and cut them off a couple of times before being able to go ‘no contact’ as there was no reason to stay in touch after my grandmother’s death. It’s funny how I enjoyed success whenever they were out of my life.

If you’ve read this far… My success story follows in the next paragraphs. I am learning to be proud for what I have achieved! It’s hard to feel proud, it’s definitely difficult to acknowledge my success and I am generally unable to accept compliments of any kind, from anyone.

I’ve started a business that won an award and had product stocked in multiple stores and shipped internationally. I’ve also closed it without feeling like a failure, because I decided I want more me time and that I am worth enough to enjoy my life.

I have my own home and enjoy a standard of living I never even dreamed possible, and if I may allow myself a little smugness, a standard far better than my narcissist father ever enjoyed.

I have an incredibly rewarding day job at a prestigious firm that enables me to be both intellectually and creatively stimulated, and guess what, it’s in a chemical and engineering field (if I couldn’t be a doctor my next goal was to be an engineer).

I also get to nourish my inner child now with a bunch of hobbies I really enjoy and that are so meaningful to me and fill me with a sense of gratitude every time I do them. I kayak, and practice a martial art, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!

And… whilst I’m not a professional pianist – I even have my own You Tube channel where I create my own heavy metal covers.

I fight hard every day to undo everything my narcissist father did to me, but I am so, SO grateful that I am thriving. Life is good to me now.

I hope my story is inspiring, and I hope that anyone trapped in a narcissistic relationship can break free and live to their full potential.

Damaris Campos

1 week ago

I wasted 20 years with a narcissist, he stole money, used me , lived out of me made me work for his business, and then walked away leaving name with 30,000 in debt. Sold the business and forgot about me and his child.

Yes, this happened to me. I was doing well in my career when I met my Narc and just got a big promotion. He knew my plans for the future. Marriage required me to migrate to a foreign land and I fell for the future faking. He never allowed me to pursue my career. When we ran into financial difficulties, he allowed me to go back to work but insisted it had to be something I was overqualified for. He went on to scorn and ridicule my under achievements, while he rose in his career and lorded it over me. I finally got away and am picking up from where I was stopped.

The primary effect that my relationship with a narcissist had on me is that I am now wary of any new person in my life. I have stopped trying to engage in any romantic relationships anymore. I feel as if any new person in my life would do something similar to me, and I'd end up being as insecure and unsure of myself, my choices and my decisions as I was while I was still dependent on them. The day I decided to start distancing myself from them, I realized just how toxic the whole thing was, and how I had totally lost myself in their drama. Despite playing catch-up on the personal growth, even today, I am not ready to put myself out there in the dating pool. I hope I get the courage one day.

If I listened to my mother every time she said I couldn't do something, I'd never have accomplished ANYTHING in life. She never did anything except depend on someone else and never supported herself one day in her life. She had no confidence in herself, so how could she teach it to her kids? My sister was her Favorite Golden Child, and I will have nothing to do with her now that our mother has died.

I was raised in an entire family like this. They are unnatural. It's impossible to describe Because it sounds so crazy. That's part of how they pulled it all off for 50 years.

FJ Last

3 days ago

I remember once early on in our marriage, when I'd become the chief editor of a magazine, and I was so happy. And when I told my husband, his reaction was "You're only doing this to compete with me." I was utterly stunned by his reaction. I stupidly had thought that he'd be happy for me and proud of me.

I was in nursing school when I meet my narc . He was supportive at first . Then he started talking me into believing we were soul mates and he was going to take care of me . I didn't need school because he is going to marry me and take care of me. I was stuck in this horrible marriage for 29 years . I couldn't do anything right . I put my career on hold while he got his degree . I was treated horribly. I finally at 53 years old have filed for divorce. And have started to pick up the shattered pieces of my life . I finally have piece of mind I am able to make my own decisions as to what happens in my life from here on .

My identity, my self-confidence, and my boundaries was pulled down for many years by the narcissist who is a close family member - my elder sister. For 25 years, she made impossible demands on my whole person. I had to let go but that may cost me my relationship with my brother. I am still waiting to see how me walking away from her is going to affect my relationship with my brother. After I decided to walk away, I really doubted myself and blamed myself for doing something terrible to my sister. My self-assuredness took a knock. It is only now that I am really walking away. I am now 55 years old. I have so much going for me. There are beautiful things happening in my life and I an enjoying mindfulness and beauty every day. I am growing stronger in my 'core' and feel more secure. But there are night when I lie awake, ruminating and worrying. But this is becoming better. Can it be true? Can the best part of my life still lie ahead of me? I believe so. I am 55 years. Don't wait for 25 years before you break away!!!!

I can’t even begin to explain how my Nsister limited my potential and really hurt my self esteem during childhood when I was the most vulnerable ..

kristi wilkerson

1 week ago

Thank u for posting Dr Ramani

"Killer of dreams and potential,"

sooooo accurate

My story: Started working at the dream workplace. I was bullied relentlessly by my two narc department bosses for 3 years, then lost it and I made a complete fool of myself. No excuses. Total fool. They taped me losing grip on reality, and kept the tape. I built myself up. Became a leading national expert. Some customers praised me and said I was among the very best experts they ever hired. 7 years later the boss from the old workplace released the tapes and started rumors and I became the laughing stock and disgrace of my profession. I quit that profession, I quit teaching at uni and started another business in another field of work. Working on getting that up and running now. We are expecting sabotage in the future, so we are designing the new business so it can withstand assault.

Do not throw away your dreams for people. People who love you will encourage you to reach for your dreams, not devalue and demean them.

Carol Ashlee

5 days ago

I’m glad you said that.

I fully understand the damage done in 18 years of my my Fathers abuse.

But that set me up to stay with a an abusive husband for 40 years.

Turns out he was an overt narcissist:

The gaslighting

The abandonment

The put downs

Intimidated in front of others

Yep got all that.

Then I left & two years later fell in to another toxic relationship.

Covert Narcissist.

The Anxiety & Panic attacks were my wake up call to realise how co dependant and complex ptsd has almost destroyed me.

Now at 65 I am working on me me me me

I remember if my mom came in a room or called on phone I would loose my effectiveness. Spill, burn something if cooking drop something bump into walls ha ha ha! I survived only by the skin of my teeth and I’m ok with my mediocrity....meaning I am only human and nothing is perfect....it’s healthy I mean...it’s ok to be imperfect and human.

I’m still married to my husband who has this trait. 55 and we’ve been married 23 years I Loved singing in church and doing many things there always dreamed of doing more. I have a lot of regret and shame especially towards my older son who struggles with drugs and everything that goes with it. These clips are very eye opening for me and helpful 🙏

My story:

I am still in my job with a narcissistic boss, but this person is about to retire in a few weeks. I am literally counting down the weeks to when I will be free. This was my first job out of college and I never knew people like this exist, people who have no empathy, who will blame you for everything, and who will publicly humiliate you and your colleagues, in a non-profit no less. I know people say that you should just leave your job, but I found reasons to stay (my coworkers, I did get raises, had to help my family, etc.), but now I realize that it is just not worth it and I don't anyone to treat me like this again, and that I got trauma bonded early on.

Now that I will be free from this person, I can't wait to feel that heavy weight lift off me and explore my true potential and just live without this extra anxiety and stress. It really affects other parts of your life, and I am SO ready to move on and re-channel my energy towards positivity and healthy relationships.

I was unaware of the narcissistic abuse I was experiencing for years. I always internalized everything that was going on as I was doing something wrong to illicit this type of treatment from my partner. I loved to dance and be creative but it was greatly discouraged by my partner and I was shamed for wanting to do something that was occupying my time that wasn't something he enjoyed doing. After a while, I believed I had stopped because I lost interest in those things. But within days of being discarded, I was back to dancing to help me get out of my emotional slump. Its been a year and I still dance everyday. Its such huge passion of mine and movement therapy has been so incredibly beneficial for me.

My grandmother gave up her life to survive what I believe was severe narcissistic abuse.

Would be interesting to see your views on gender roles over time - because I can tell you the women in my family tree either suffered with depression and anxiety or like my grandmother ended their own life.

I am the one who built Giovanni up. I turned him into success. I was always his adviser and because of that he always got promotions.

I was a housewife until 2001. Giovanni use to have dream boards everywhere and was always quoting scriptures. I got tired of it and said to him I am going to start a business.

I went searching and one day I found a flyer in the post box. I found Baby Go Round, a franchise on there.

Giovanni joined me in the business. I introduced him to real estate. A lady came into my shop one day to say hello. So she said they were recruiting. I said to her, I am going to let Giovanni contact them.

He started there and went on to start his own real estate business. I taught Giovanni how to invest in property and showed him the calculations and how to do it.

I built relationships with estate agents and started finding houses to renovate which no one wanted.

Giovanni and I often worked together and apart. I got a manager to run my shop.

We went on to starting multiple businesses.

Giorgio of course came along and joined us on the renovation expedition.

One day at the dining room table I went to them and said they can't continue investing in such expensive properties, it's going out of the plan God showed me.

Giorgio got rude and said to me, it's got nothing to do with me. Giovanni didn't say a word. I walked away from the dining room and decided, I will no longer be a part of it. I knew it was a matter of time before it would crash.

I prepared myself for bankruptcy. I wasn't angry nor bitter. I just wanted to keep my family sane.

This is the reason why my family has so much faith and we are still together.

I could no longer give her money and gifts. I was only good enough for that. Mother in law, you know. ❤

Hope this helps ❤

Smartness is important in a relationship and cyberhackinggenius helped cloned my husband’s phone and I got access to all his dealings both on phone and social media without touching his phone.

Which really provide enough evidence for me to file for divorce.

All I did was share my husband’s phone number with cyberhackinggenius and I was able to read both his new and deleted messages from my phone without having to touch his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad to find out all his secrets with the help of cyberhackinggenius. I’m here in UK and able to access my husband’s phone messages with a link on my phone even while he was away in Canada cheating and flirting with his phone. I read all his WhatsApp, Email ,Instagram and messages Including the deleted text and incoming messages. You can contact this wonderful hacker at "goodtidezhacker@gmail.com"

Or better still on WhatsApp +1(628)245-4256

and only someone like you would believe the things that the sibling has done and continues to do in regards to 'stealing' my life in a very borderline kind of way

"Honestly, if you can survive that, you can survive anything."

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Tracy Johnson

2 days ago

Family , Friend and and The sad part is that they keep sending people to me trying to gas lighting me it a sick situation. I aloud this girl to move in with me because i have know chose i need help.

Muska Ansary

2 days ago

Oh God your so right i am in this relationships for past 11 years i lost myself...😢😢😢😢😢

Wow this resonated so deeply. In 2019 I finally had the courage to free myself from my abusive narcissistic mother and sister🙏🏻 I was so lost for so many years due to the gaslighting and feelings of invisibility. In 2017 I decided to become a certified Conscious Uncoupling relationship coach and one year after I was hired to supervise the date coaching department at match.com. I’ve sinced moved to NYC where I’ve started my own coaching business to help people to reclaim their power and realize they are their own hero❤️ I’m starting a YouTube channel soon as well to help people. Once I took a stand for myself and chose to save myself, miracles appeared in my life🌈 Thank you for shedding such a bright light on narcissistic abuse and helping people to reclaim the beautiful life that is their birthright🦋✨💫

Mariah Tashadia

2 days ago

The parents who are Narcissistic is one of the most horrible because you’ve been trained as such and ONLY when you grow up and seek the answers, do you understand the truth!

When I met the narcissist, I was putting myself through school, and had 1/3 finished. I lost it all but one course. My narc was putting down my other accomplishments like a black belt in martial arts etc.He said stuff like your black belt is nothing, I watched all the Bruce Lee movies, I know more than you...I didn't know if to laugh or be upset at such ridiculous statements...but should have taken this as a red flag. After I left my narcissist 5 years ago, I started from scratch my college education, and I have only my last placement to finish. I have also learned to drive. My narcissist destroyed my credit literally withing months of marriage. I rebuilt my credit and have excellent score now. I was able to start savings for my children's education, my disabled son and even for me. I am working on myself and lost weight and work out. My faith in God and his grace has carried me through. Now that our children are teens, they have become a 'fair game' for him too. He views them as competition especially our son. It's sickening to watch. And his narcissistic family flying monkeys will not spare even the grandkids they purport to love. I support them, and they know enough, by now for themselves. The narc will be his own undoing. We can do this!

After 13 years, he's had no regular income, brought his son into my apartment for me to pay for and brought 2 dogs into our relationship. I pay for all of it. If I were single I'd have 10's of thousands of savings. I'd do a lot more travel and volunteer work. My friendships are all gone. He makes me feel guilt if I have to travel for work. During COVID, as he comes and goes to the park during the day and fishing at night, while I work... I told him if I die of COVID you're F'ed! HAHA it felt great

I am holding my tears back as I am watching this. My mom tried doing this to me. When I found out I left as fast as I could. But only a few years went by when I met my husband. He was charming and all the lovely things, untill he convinced me to move accross state with him, to his home town. This move was for him, not for me or our children. There is very little opportunity here, with no friends, and flying monkies everywhere this was the biggest set up. I am just happy I have my degree and skills I learned from dealing with my mom to find a better place in life. I wont give up Dr. My kids deserve better, I deserve better.

Thank you Dr. For all you do. Watching your videos have helped open up my band width and relieved me of so much stress. Now I know what I need to do to move on, and stop dwelling.

I'm glad that you posted this video when you did because I really needed that message this week/month.

My pie-in-the-sky dream career is being a physician scientist (med school plus a PhD, mostly work doing research). I don't want to do this in hopes of becoming famous or having something named after me, but if a project I contributed to were to greatly benefit humanity I would feel proud and a sense of confirmation that I made the right career choice.

I never considered that career was within my reach because my bachelor's degree, while in a specialty of biology, was earned partly because "C's get degrees" but that also made some sense because it took until my senior year of college to get diagnosed with a bunch of learning disabilities that I had been compensating for my whole life.

While taking a class at UC Berkeley Extension as part of prepping for a career as a lab tech or maybe a clinical laboratory scientist, my virology professor asked about my career goals and shared that he thought I had the potential to aim for MD/PhD combined programs.

Since then I have been working towards that goal but have received a lot of discouragement from my family (parents especially), some of my teachers, and most of my mental health providers (they usually act incredulously after I answer their questions about my goals as though I told them that I had voiced aspirations of becoming president of the United states or the 15th Dalai lama).

I have mostly been able to foster a low level of aspiration, hope, and continued progress in terms of taking more classes to complete prerequisites and raise my GPA but keep my goals hushed and to myself to avoid more criticism. But since my last couple classes I need are in-person laboratory classes and schools have ceased in-person classes for the time being I have been having trouble feeling hopeful like my goals are still attainable. So that's why I am thankful that you posted this video now. It reminded me that my current doubts may not be an indication of personal failures but are related to not seeing positive people in school and an environment that is outside of my home and that I shouldn't give up yet.

Wow, Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I cried watching this video. Here's my story:

In high school, I had to become an architect and artist. I saw it. I needed it. It's all I wanted to do. I applied to schools, I got into the best school in the country and my parents threw away my acceptance letter. It was only when my guidance counselor told me that I got in and was almost about to graduate that I knew the truth. I ended up going somewhere decent that was parental approved.

After I graduated, I married an abusive guy who was an architect. I spent the whole marriage working away in my home studio making art anyway and developed most of the things that I'm doing now actually. He put so much self doubt in me about being an architect and told me I was wasting my time making art. He treated me like I was an idiot and he and his family wouldn't let me go to grad school to get my masters degree in Industrial Design... so I left.

I went to grad school, I was treated terribly by my classmates (I wasn't alone in the mistreatment, they targeted a few of us, I felt like was in the famous Phillip Zimbardo experiment). While in grad school, my artwork was put into two major museums (the work I did when I was married) and I got a gig with another major museum to sell my products. I did that for a while up until the pandemic (no one is buying anything right now) I just left an abusive fiancé and his family who scapegoated me for almost 6 years.

I'm now living at my parents house until I get a few things up and running again. Yesterday, I went for a walk and realized I'm going to finish my architectural licensing exams, I'm going to keep making art and designing products and I'm going to follow though with my new company where I'm partnering up with scientists from a major Boston institution to use something I just filed a patent application for. I'm going for it. It's not that I'm proving anything to anyone. It's that I want to and because I can. Onward!

Someone said yesterday that once you see it, you can't unsee it. I really love that. I'm so grateful for finding this community and for all the videos you post. I would love to be part of a support group for this issue. Thank you everyone for the support yesterday.

So powerful. Am sending this to my daughter I love so much who's been GASLIT around narcs for her whole life. Pls pray for us to come together one day. ✌️

I lived with narcissist for 3 years( married him), he completely changed me . I use to be happy person that could see happiness in little things, and now I am struggling with making eye contact with people that I know. Everything is so dark. I provided for us, everything we had I was the one to make it happen, I tried to make him happy but nothing was good enough. I cooked , I cleaned and took care of his two kids , and he was always have something to say. For example : “Sometimes you can clean good, but sometimes. “ He abused me psychology and physicly , sexualy. Broke my tooth, and he said LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME YOU PUT ME IN THE SYSTEM AGAIN?! Sexual abuse, can’t even talk about that, it triggers me. I finally left house when I found out he slept with girls in my bed , and he didn’t show 1% of remorse . I left house with nothing , no job , no place to be , not one piece of furniture. Day after I left he charged my Amex 1500 $ to expunge his criminal record, when I called him he acted like nothing was wrong with that, he actually asked me to write a recommendation letter for him so his attorney can submit it to the court for his record expungement. How crazy is that? Month later he played mind games with me, And I finally we got divorced . I blocked him everywhere I could, and finally I start feeling better. Just week ago , he called me from hidden numbers he kept texting me from different number and my mind is not the same. Not to mention he has a girfriend and they act like happiest couple on the social media, this poor girl is not even aware of who he is. Every time he would video call me and ask me to take my chlothes off !? When I say HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND ?! He says JUST BE QUIET I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW! My mind can’t process that I spent so much time with such a sick and evil person, and that he actually made me feel like I am the crazy one. Every day I deal with no confidence and self doubt. I just hope it goes away one day, I am trying really hard...

Yep. Gave up everything for 20 years. Even applied for jobs that I was qualified for, got an interview, and then bombed the interview because he was in my head and I worried that I wasn't good enough. Every time I had a little extra, I'd spend it on trying to help him do something with his life instead of doing it for myself. I did get an Associate's Degree, but I graduated with a 2.33 because abuse coupled with ADHD made it nearly impossible to focus on my education. That became the proof that I was stupid.

Because I was naturally talented at art, I taught art lessons and made enough money to get what I needed to make custom shoes while I was also working a full time job. I made nearly $15,000 in 3 months. He stopped going to work and absorbed all of my money. Then, he later told me that my business was a failure and that I hadn't made any money.

After leaving my narc after 20 years, it was simultaneously joyous, free, and terrifying. Why? I knew that he had been holding me back, but with the world at my fingertips, I was scared that, if he was no longer my reason for failing, what if I failed now and that made me a failure? What if I just wasn't good enough all along? I still struggle with that in regard to the things that I want the most. However, I've learned in a million other ways that I'm a natural at adapting to nearly every situation so that makes me good at nearly everything.

Two weeks ago, I started providing hospice care for my grandma. That's something that most people think they could never do. Not only have I done it, but I've come up with a bunch of innovative ways to make her more comfortable. I'm intuitive and immediately know what she needs. Meanwhile, Grandma's other caregivers are just as skilled as I am, but they haven't been actively developing their confidence. Both of them worry about the things they think they can't do. I just come at it knowing that it can be done so I'm gonna do it after I Google it or YouTube things like, "How to change a bedridden person". I also know that I'm the best that is available to care for her at that given moment because I'm the only available person so I know I'm going to do a better job than if she had nobody. That lack of fear has made me extremely talented at something that I think maybe all of us, at one point in our lives, think we could never do.

It's not like this job is going to end in success. We aren't going to save grandma or cure her. She is going to die and, despite our best care, she will get worse and worse. It is the definition of being set up for failure yet I find joy in being able to make her life more comfortable. When she can't talk because she is so weak, I find joy in seeing that I was able to calm her and give her some comfort. That little pat on the hand is all of grandma's gratitude and I know that I'm a badass at this.

Is it my dream to be a hospice provider? Nope. I want to be an author and move to Rwanda. Having the confidence to write consistently is harder to do than finding the confidence to care for somebody, but for now, taking care of grandma is a step along the way where I prove to myself over and over again that I can do things with mastery that I never thought I could. I also know that, because I bring all my love to the occasion, there can be none better.

It's a process, but I'm getting there.

Spencer Rapley

1 week ago

you have helped me handle my life, i’m finally getting everything sorted, using a lot of your advice. discipline is key, right now after going through everything ive lost 50 lbs, im eating right, avoiding my vices, and focusing on growth and being content with who i am.

Mr Stitches

1 week ago

Narcs are a plague on human potential at any scale. Look at what narc political leaders have done to hold back human potential throughout human history. It’s almost too much to contemplate.

You’re awesome! Love your passion and drive. I put my paint brushes down for 3 years even though it was a part of my soul work and I was very successful in my first year of painting and selling several of my works. I got held back by a toxic family relationship and I’ve had to cut that relationship off so I could support my personal growth and a life of joy and happiness for me. My soul is beautiful and what I have to offer is gracefilled and so I’m choosing to keep taking steps because it’s what I’m here to give birth to this life time.

Rahel Gerber

6 days ago

"It's gonna be hard to find a mutual hobby we can do as a couple, because I'm better in everything than you are", said my ex narc to me and I wasn't even that angry. I was confused and hurt at first but the narc will always manipulate you into thinking that you are the problem. Today I won't EVER let anyone say this to me without consequence. I am sooo so blessed that I am finally free of that f*ing demonic soulless piece of sh*t. I don't need retaliation, cause I think narcs will always dig their own graves.

your message today made me cry - for I've lost 15 years in recovering and rebuilding my self-image.

Thank you so much for helping me become clear on what used to be so confusing and self-doubt-causing.

After 800 yoga classes, I've cleared my energy centers and gaining perspective thanks to your clarity. Thank you.

Deep Truths By Ruben Landon Dante

1 week ago (edited)

I love you, and I feel for you so much and you’ve inspired me to start my own channel!

I lost the people I considered family

Invested into their business

I was/am the best options and stock trader and beating everyone around me and I found it to be a mirror on my own emotional fortitude,

I was the top company sales person and they were the face.

I resigned a job I loved for them and suspended my trading for them, cried to sleep every night for two years holding on to all the future faking

They lied about the way they felt about me, had someone living with them the whole time, one a former C suite he also convinced to quit and then the person who declined me coming back lying to us all... I was suicidal, after they got me to drain my savings in them they stopped paying me too even though they said they’d match my income, it was like I lost my mind and found my soul though, like resurrection without crucifixion, they left the company finally after convincing me to leave only to start a business with whom they lied about, then when they said they wanted to go back I pulled every string so they would, then they tried to shut me out, finally I got my life back little by little, I out performed the market again the same year, made more now staring a channel which I love, about to sign the biggest contract of my life and I’ve never felt more bliss.

You’re so amazing! I love you so much!

mai

1 week ago

One thing we can never recover from is lost time. The damages from that alone can cause tremendous amounts of sadness. We can never replace time lost, along the with the innocence that was stolen away from us.

I have a survivor story:

He (ex husband) is a covert narcissist, I recalled he always sabotage my career, grad school etc. like when I had a better job that pays 20k+ more than him and I was supposed to go to Chicago for training. He said I shouldn’t take Uber he’ll drop me off for my 6am flight. He deliberately sat in in bathroom forever, I told him over 10 times am getting late he then went to the sink to start shaving (who shaves Monday morning 5am?) Ofcourse I missed my flight and got in Chicago 11am instead of 8am. Also when I usually wake up 2am to study because I was doing MBA and work full time and had a 2 year old baby, he will come get me to go back to bed “baby you know I miss you come to bed”... I had B in that class instead of A. He is lazy (plays candy crush after work, eat sleep and repeat). He tells people he is doing his MBA (like imitates what am doing “I just got a promotion, am doing my MBA” all lies) but people don’t know.

I pack and left the house to a hotel after the abuse got real scary. 6 months later after the divorce, I have paid 30k+ in 6 months debt; car & credit card debt free, following Dave Ramsey (meanwhile he’s smearing my name horribly with fabrications). We had so much debt because he love to buy things to look good (brand new car, big house etc). Now am planning to go back to school (I took a break with the abuse & divorce). They DO sabotage you in subtle ways, dont let them Kill your dreams. Am still healing and trying to move on.

Jess Ben Bezza

2 days ago (edited)

I really like how you started this you said you can still go on and do great things! Thank you this made me cry as well, I needed to hear this. Thank you Dr. Ramani God bless you! 🌹

Clinton Mann

1 week ago

If I understand anything about micro-aggression “gaslighting” is one towards older men. The term comes from an artistic work where an older man abuses his younger wife. A better term must exist IMO.

My ‘envious narcissistic relative’ sabotaged me for getting a full PHD scholarship by disowning me. I was so distraught, I had physical symptoms like insomnia and what I now know is CPTSD. This led me to drs for help, and I was told I need nasal surgery, which disabled me from an unconsented procedure during the septoplasty (a turbinectomy causing ENS), similar to cystic fibrosis & me/CFS. My ‘sadistic narc relative’ told the entire family I had Munchausen Factitious Syndrome and I had no one. I had to leave school and only survived with the help of my ex husband, who turned out to be a physically abusive. I divorced him and went back to my home state to finish school, but my disorder progressed. I’m trying to survive. I was denied disability and my surgeries were botched. It turns out I have a genetic condition EDS which makes surgery really complicated. My ‘predatory narc relative’ took control of my inheritance my grandmother left me and she tries to interfere with medical care. I have survived by fundraising online bc I was denied disability. I still need corrective craniofacial surgery to breathe and balance. I was evicted and now live in homeless housing. But I won’t give up bc life is so much better now that there are channels like yours and I never have to see my family again.

"One day, you lose your fight, and you stop trying." I remember the absolute moment this happened to me, time, place and circumstances. I was in high school, and my life, my dreams, my hopes, everything that I ever hoped for, ended at that moment. 30 years later, the regret still haunts me. The reality is, one may come to this realization when it's simply too late to reach for your long forsaken dreams. Yes, the regret is absolutely paralyzing. I was constantly told "you'll never make it." When this comes from a parent, it's devastating. Meanwhile, Dr. Ramani has a new mantra that I will replace the old one with: "The wold needs you to succeed." Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this video. I was afraid to watch it, but now I'm grateful I did.

stoneage steve

3 days ago

i survived, ive now managed to get a job again doing what i love but it feels as though im pretending to like it, even my dreams of creating anything from a painting to a business feel flat, the excitement has gone but im not giving up, ive got this far, thanks for the videos and and thankyou everyone for showing we are not alone.

Imagine this behavior being imprinted on children a partner you can choose your mother's partner you can't

The Marine Abroad

2 days ago

This is my favorite Pity-Party channel.

Always easier to point fingers rather than reflect on your own shit. I'm not innocent here, I've done it as well. Then I looked at my part in the situation . .

Cause and Effect is real. You are not innocent.

Joan Weisman

1 day ago (edited)

Your words are so affirming and healing and wonderful.

It is a superpower to survive that. I cried listening to this it was so good to hear the truth said with compassion. I am on my path now, delayed 13 years but more determined than ever.

What you are doing is beautiful and important. Thank you!

The feeling of hopelessness and emptiness is deep, but once you opened your eyes you see it clearly, it is their own insecurity projecting into you. It is sad to see enablers wanting to minimize the abuse. Never lose the ability to dream and believe in yourself.

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Susan T.

1 week ago

I seem to be habitually attracted to narcissistic relationships--work, interpersonal, etc. I never knew how to recognize what I was up against, and always blamed myself. Left a very lucrative job for which I trained for many years because a co-worker and his cohorts continually and subtilely undermined me and, I believe, stole some of my work. As a result, my retirement income is much lower than it would be, and I am riddled with worry about my future. I'd love to be able to rise above the discouragement and try something new, but repeated experiences with narcissists have left me feeling pretty battered and untrusting of the world.

I need to hear this again and again and bring back all those that will grow me as an individual and make me the best version of myself. Thank you so much for speaking for lot of people who need to recognize what they are loosing out inorder to cope up with narcissists. Someday I will come back here and tell you how much your words have helped me. Am starting my journey and when I feel lost this video of yours will anchor me back. Thanks dr ramani.

Phoenix

1 week ago

My ex partner said he supported me but everytime I did well in any area, there would be trouble coming. I learned to subsist in a limbo of not functioning enough to pursue my dreams but we'll enough to ensure his comfort.

I'm realizing now my mother also was so anxious every time I got positive attention that I also learned to dim myself down for her comfort. I have the same talents as my parents and they hid them too.

Now I have a chronic condition and struggle so much to exist, let alone do what made my heart sing. I'm scared I don't know how to walk, let alone fly. I don't know how to ask for help. I'm so tired.

They made me a dragon! I looked at them and said uh, I’ve seen your success and no matter what you say I’ll break your chains, and know, I can, will and have,always done it better! Lift the vail, Believe in self!

My love to you,

all those breaker of chains! 🔥❤️🔥

shilpa patil

1 week ago

I will tell the exact way they do.First they will assure you of your dreams,they will pretend of support,act as if they are pushing you and you must be glad of having their back up.Then time comes, your dreams suffocate them,your potential becomes a threat to their ego.They will shame you of your ambition,your potential is crushed that you start doubting your strength. Its murderous. Don't believe this plot.

I lost the courage to pursue a career in my chosen field after graduating in the top five. I was forced to find other work. They told me I should go clean people's homes and even went so far as to set up an interview for me...Well I didn't go to that interview, but got myself a different job and although it wasn't what I really wanted, it has opened doors to loads of other career options and...when lockdown recently hit and businesses had to close, I was still working at full pay. Had they have not railroaded my business idea, I too, would have had to close up shop. I've heard it said before and there is some truth to it..."your friends may believe in what you can achieve, but your enemies make you prove it". These unfortunate souls can either be the millstone round your neck or your next stepping stone to something better.

Ivette Guzman

2 days ago

I am a survivor of multiple narcissists. I can easily identify them now. It has made stronger and confident in doing so. I lost a lot while enduring though. I had remove myself to learn to love myself all over again or honestly for the first time. I noticed a pattern in my partners that had to stop. I kept picking narcissists until I learned to love myself. Something that will never happen again... thank you Dr. Ramani

I were rude to my mom, all the times she tried to do this to. Ignored that

Then she passed out, I lived with her relatives, and now I see, this sickness runs in family.

Thats not okay, I fought for my dreams, then go away.

But I still have tiny voice saying, that im bad, stupid and ugly.

Hope it will cease soon

STEREO Freq

3 days ago

I noticed at a certain point in my life, that when I stopped telling my plans to my narcissist friends (didn't know that's what they were at the time), they would almost always succeed and I would find passion in whatever the activity was. However, whenever I'd tell them about my plans beforehand, it wouldn't be long before my passion to pursue the endeavor would dwindle and dissolve before the attempt even started. If the attempt were started anyway, it would typically be short-lived and usually crash and burn pretty hard.

"You experience most that which you pay the most focus." - Greg Braden

Could this also mean that we experience, at least partially, the focus of others? Law of attraction, anyone?

My childhood was abusive & humiliating, my mother treated me like she’d rather I be dead. I felt worthless each day but pressed on thinking I was a very bad bad girl. But the outside world was telling me opposite and loved me very much although did not protect me. Anyway...I recent moved back in with my mother after father passed away and they had retired south like 24 yrs ago. I was away from her so long I didn’t realize that it would still be the same. She hated every fiber of my existence and only wanted me to be of use to her. I was not allowed what I wanted or to be happy or have friends or just any emotion or opinion or feeling or I’m punished. Nothing was good enough and her never happy and constant abuse.

It was hell and pure torture. I’m very sad now as well knowing at a young age I left my 9 month old son, until 4 years old, basically in her care thru the week so I could go to school for RN. Being in her presence now and with YouTube I have come to understand so many destructive things she bestowed upon me & my family and it’s effects. I seriously cannot wrote it all out, it’d be a book. But they CONSUME YOUR WHOLE BEING. Get away, ASAP.

I am really moved. You talk about me.The first narcissist in my life was my father. He destroyed my mother, and tried the same with me. He had his flying monkeys, and he destroyed my dream to become a musician in a terrible way. Later I studied psychology and then made the error to do a psychoanalysis (excuse my English. I am German) My socalled therapist was a malignant narcissist. He did terrible things, his last words do not vanish from my thoughts:" I have allways hated you. Your father hates you and I hate you too. People like you must be hated". I want to write a book about all this. There are many texts in my computer. But now I have stopped full of the fear that nobody will believe me, because this therapist and also the others were named and successfull. My father is dead, the therapists are dead, but they live in my head like demons. I would like to tell the world what happened to me, but there ist shame and fear , and now I am 76 years old, still healthy but it is late

Benjamin D. McMillan

1 week ago

"what is wrong with you?" Been hearing that most of my life.

I'm so upset that I wanted so much of my life with a person that never loved or cared about me and the many times they humiliated me. I wanted to grow old with someone.

Rumana

1 day ago (edited)

I was told I was ugly, stupid and bad throughout my childhood. None of which were true. Unfortunately this was said as I entered my early teens and into my twenties. I knew it wasn't true. I think envy is at the root of it. In my 30s the message was still being delivered through 'joking' 'mocking'and 'smear campaign'. Envy, snobbery and cowardice are behind it.

Deep&Genuine

1 week ago

43 years with the Monster and in my 70's i have managed to teach myself to draw, paint and i always could sing and dance. But never reached my dream job as a photographer which i am very good at still. He has changed who i am but now i am getting stronger since i discovered last year what he is after all that time. I am retired now but educated on the disorder. Soon I will seek a therapist to help me get better for myself. I have health issues because of the Trauma.

Hi Dr. Ramani:

Yes. I experienced exactly this.

I distanced myself from destructive cycles tied to people on a journey of awakening and cultivating inner strength and core values. I realized my dream job. It slowly unravelled as I found out I was being followed by the very people I thought I was out of touch with, and slowly realized how many people were part of it, and lost the momentum of a lifetime of effort and work, though this shaming and defamation and coercive control, still not knowing I was in the jaw of it, still thinking people had my interests in mind. The result is middle age and broke and all the basics of stability (home, community, professional opportunities) hangin in a balance. How does one repeat a process of healing? It's different the second time. And the first time I had already survived child abuses with some powerful sense of soul intact, having become independent. The second time even that inner sense came under attack, the way these people search for vulnerabilities to destroy you. They criticize the damage they cause and then discard, over and over and over. I've moved many times, changed jobs, and ever so slightly the balance shifts. I thought they would tire long ago, while I was still working. It's bizarre how people keep it afloat unaware of the destruction, or perhaps motivated by it, I don't know. But it was very strange to witness these behaviors in the arts. Years on, these people have managed to manipulate me into psych wards under false claims. I could eventually feel there'd be no end to the baiting and smearing but it was always clear that I was being made to live in the shoes of another persons life, not my own.

My story: 7years marriad to a narcisst

Than i meet my one true love, my twinflame and than the narcisst figure out and start to manipulate and separate each other from us and forbide us to contact each other..

Im still in the divorce but i ignore and feel fine. Ignoring was the only things who made me free. We shoyld not give any reaction and energy to them, not good not bad reaction. I keep fighting and healing to reach my fullpower where i have us an twinflame empath. We are so much more stronger than a narcisst and we are here yo give to this world ouer unconditional love , by vibrating high us possible. I will do everything to make this dream and my potential true. 🙏❤

Zabby

1 week ago

When my spouse told me he would disown our daughter if I left him, well, that confirmed the type of person he is. Still waiting for my next step... Dr. R, I love your videos. Thank you for such a heartfelt message.

It's not a straightforward story but I guess still being alive an sane (though with mental ailments and a few suicidal periods) at age 31 is my survival story. Both my parents have narcissistic traits.

Interestingly, while I'm typing this, I think of all the achievements I have got, and I don't really feel proud of them. Something in my head tells me they are trivial and they are the outcome of what my parents did to support me. Which is partially true.

Wishpool

1 week ago

"Future faking"... a brilliant statement of truth, Dr. Ramani. My recent ex was a master at dangling carrots. Nothing ever came to fruition.

My mom always sabotaged my professional efforts and talked me into getting onto fixed income which people don't always realise makes it difficult to get off of it- not because it tempts you to stay, but because it keeps you down.

My dad makes it hard to have my own spirituality, let alone encourage other people with it. He tells me that i "turned aside to follow Satan" when I was 16, even though I was still incredibly passionate about my prayer life more than anything else for many years both before and after that.

My dad is a pastor, and it seems like when I am frequently around him I always either feel that sharing my ethical contemplations could make me too much like his arrogant abusiveness or like there isn't room for two powerful voices in one house, especially since his always says that no one who disagrees with the practices that he uses to excuse feeling superior (his demonic deliverance specifics, for example) should even be heard out as a safely well-meaning equal.

I don't want that "better than you" sort of ministry, but I do want to talk about how we can change the world with our own examples without it revolving around pointing more fingers, especially when it comes to employing the opposite of sexual abuse, which is treating people with reverence & cherishing their autonomy. I have a great deal of insight from experiences with relative pinnacles of that and also with gaslighting, degradation, and even rape to contrast with the cherishing reverence. Right now the standards are so low that people are asking what the minimum they should have to do is and insisting that it makes things awkward to do anything more. Furthermore, inexperienced virtue signallers often make a big show of supposedly standing up to sexual abuse while saying that "clear signals" or "enthusiastic consent" are consent, even though even non-autistic geniuses can read people wrong, and even though even the same person doesn't always mean the same things by the same actions, and even though enthusiastic "consent" isn't consent at all, since it only really applies to someone's response /after/ someone does something to their body.

Yes! My narcissist died when I was in my late 40. I remember when I took a healing art class and received such a high mark for the piece and the narcissist laughed and tried to humiliate me in front of her friend but her friend told me how much she loved it and wanted me to sell her the piece! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! SHE LOVED MY WORK! I wanted to go to art school but my narcissist said there was no such thing as a black artist/designer so she would only pay for me to go to school for Computers, cool but I’m not that type of personality and I flunked out I’m not a math person. When I got away from her after she accused me of having sex with my dad, I went to architectural design school and guess what? 4.0 BABY! Graduated, got my certification and haven’t stopped doing art since that day! She’s still in my head, but when I draw, she goes far away! I draw every chance I can BTW😂😂😂 I love you so much DR and appreciate all the tools you teach it really helps us. Thank you.

Carlea Bridger

2 days ago

My mother is a narcissist and as I was growing up I would tell her things I want to do and all I ever heard from her was "What do you want to do that for?" or "You would be making the biggest mistake of your life!." These would be ideas of wanting to travel or buying something for myself. I have learned not to share anything with her just so I don't hear her remarks, so now I share with people I know care about who I am and what I want to do....

Rachel Jackson

1 week ago

I feel like my whole marriage (14 years) I was living in a cage too small to stand up in. I left him last year with my 3 kids. Got a job. Got a place. Made it work and now with all the unrest of COVID-19 I'm going back to school full time to work towards a doctorate in clinical psychology. He always made fun of me for "making everything psychological." But it turns out that my passions and insights are valuable and worth pursuing. Every second I get away from him I get clearer and stronger! Best decision I ever made!

I was raised by narcissistic parents in Germany. They left me and my little sister in Turkey with my grandparents when i was 4 and my sister was 3 years old. After 1 year my aunt brought me to Germany. I was so confused. I missed my Grandfather and my sister. My Grandfather was the best man i ever have known. It was so peacfull with him. My mother has a good side in her from him, but she beat me every day when i was a child cause my father would beat her. He is the devil. He scared me to death and always made me believe i am worthless, which was worst as the beatings. A half year later we picked my sister up from turkey. We were growing up every day in fear. I could tell so many horror storys. When i was 7 my mother burnt my hand on the stove plate because i stole a little toy car. My hand was full of bubbles filled with liquid we had to pierce. I couldn't go to school for a week. I could go on and on.... When i was 18 i moved out. A older cousin who didn't see me since i was a little kid was shoked as he met me. He told me i was such a special kid and couldn't believe what i was become. I don't have graduation or driver license till this day. I'm 37 now and i spend the last 19 years smoking and selling weed. Because of people like Dr.Ramani i am now aware and my life gets better. I removed all my narcissistic "friends" and value my self. I am happy now and finally getting things done. Thank you so much Dr.Ramani!!!

I just ended my marriage of 41.5 years one month ago this week after watching a series of videos on your and other channels that led me to identify the root of the problem as narcissism. I had been studying Narcissism for what I thot was unrelated reasons--to help me understand and thus feel less stress over the oval office occupant and research for a character in one of my WIP novels. It was a video describing the covert or fragile narcissist that woke me up. I'd been blaming his issues on a mood disorder that included high anxiety and SAD. Along with unacknowledged alcoholism. And I blamed my own issues for triggering his. Because after all it must be sooooo stressful to be married to someone with chronic panic-level anxiety, chronic sleep deprivation, chronic mood swings all on top of being legally blind and unbeknownst to either of us until five years ago, high functioning autistic spectrum. It was my fault he was a chronic liar because I was unable to process bad news. It was my fault he felt the need to over indulge in alcohol because I was too high maintenance, too needy and too distracted (ADD).

The weird thing is, I don't recognize his tactics in what you describe here but I did in your video about stonewalling which I watched just before this one. He never belittled me and in fact lavished praise on my creativity, brilliance and talents. That was one of the elements I was addicted to. Its just that there were never any resources to invest in them and when I did go back to school in my late twenties using financial aide, he happened to loose his job the summer before my senior year and moved us out of state into a location where there wasn't a four year college within reach and I defaulted on my student loan which has been following us for decades. After evictions we abandoned apartments or storage sheds full of our stuff that included my libraries and manuscripts and research notes for dozens of WIP and all all the materials for dozens of fiber art WIP my other passion.

The tactic he used to keep me in my place as he saw it was withdrawal. Withdrawal of affection, communication, the light in his eyes. He called it going into his cave. Often but not always it was accompanied by booze. And I played along by chasing after him frantic to re-engage so addicted to the 'love' or approval or just being seen. When we lived together these episodes were frequent but brief because I was persistent in figuring out the right topic to re-engage or the thing for which I needed to apologize for and I had a talent for nurturing behavior that he ate up. But since 2013 I've been living with my elderly mom so I could be on disability and have access to medical care because my condition had become life threatening due to high blood pressure and suicidal depression.

For several years we had a whole state between us and communication was via internet and phone and the Withdrawals became total shutdowns that lasted for weeks. Then he moved to this town and lived in a tent in Mom's back yard for a time, then was homeless for a short time then got into a program for homeless vets that required random drug and alcohol tests and excelled at jumping thru their hoops until he got into an apartment with a lifetime voucher and I thought we were on track for rejoining our households, that he was making really great progress on working his issues and we'd made such huge progress on working our communication skills. I thought the only reason he wasn't inviting me home was because he was in an upstairs apartment with an outside staircase which we both deemed unsafe for me and he was on a list for the next available downstairs apartment. Our communication was vid chats until he lost his internet then phone calls. several per week plus Sunday afternoon and evening visits and occasional weekend sleepovers. Until the shelter-in-place protocols in March.

Then he got his stimulus check and started drinking again. He was coming to the phone calls already drunk in the early afternoons and without any nonverbal cues it is hard to avoid the triggers and I triggered another Withdrawal in late May. It happened on a day I was eager to share with him the several triumphs I'd recently had over several of my character deficiencies that he'd identified as stressful for him. i.e. I'd conquered my phone phobia to advocate for myself with an online retailer who had botched my order, I'd got my sleep schedule mastered and there hadn't been any 24-50 odd hours awake for months, no manic episodes, I was tackling my hoarding and disorganization of my stuff and space, I was finishing things I started, I was writing again after over a year of neglect, I was reading whole books in a single day again. I'd lost 27 pounds since New Years. I was so eager to share and get the positive feedback from him but he was already drunk and I texted something that triggered him and he never made that day's scheduled call and late that evening after I was sure he was asleep I texted a reminder to him of how painful his withdrawal was for me likening it to physical blows in terms of pain and since he was aware of this that made it sadistic. The next day he replied accusing me of calling him a sadist saying that words matter and that there would be minimal contact for awhile.

This time I amazed myself by not becoming a puddle on the floor. In fact I did not even shed one tear over it. I thought there might be something wrong with me but my counselor thought that maybe the bond had been broken this time. Maybe I was done. It had been five years since the last weeks long freeze out how would I ever develop the same level of trust I had recently reached that that was behind us? It would take another five years of fairly steady progress on measurable behaviors. I'm already 62. I don't want to put this level of focus, this nearly 24/7, obsession over fulfilling his needs to the abandonment of my own. I don't want to give up my own progress this time by allowing myself to fall into another clinical depression. One of my recent triumphs was the fact t was making all of that progress without anti-depressants. With med nurse supervision I'd replaced them with the supplement 5HTP, healthy sleep and meditation. I did not want to devolve and have to go back on the meds. I did not want to give up work on my WIP in order to devote 24/7 attention to our relationship. I was done with the drama he generated that took up all my emotional and mental bandwidth.

About a week into this latest withdrawal I kicked over a wastebasket I hadn't seen and bending down to pick it up I smacked my face into a hip-high bookcase and thus received the proof I needed that comparing the pain of a physical blow to that of being frozen out by the one whose love is the center of your world is not hyperbole. It is as truthful as any metaphor can get. The difference is that physical blows are recognized in our culture as abuse while freeze outs are just communication styles. I am now clear that it is abuse.

One of my favorite things in our relationship had been listening to him talk. He was a good oral storyteller and he cast himself as either hero or victim of the stories about his past or his current day depending on his current mood or the events. When I arranged a ride over to his apartment to end it and claim my belongings we had our talk in the parking lot standing six or more feet apart for social distancing and when he tried to start talking first with some line about his 'cave' I cut him off not wanting to be bespelled by his word weaving. I said No. This is not your story this is my story and you are neither the hero nor the victim. I said caves are not what grown men resort to. Caves are for children and cowards. What you have done is abandoned your disabled wife in the midst of what you knew was her personal apocalyptic nightmare (re current events of late May). I knew that by shaming him in this way I was burning the bridges. There is no going back. The next day I wrote one of my best poems in decades. Or at least that is how it felt that day. Maybe it will age well, maybe not but it was and will remain a validation of the new path I've chosen. One that honors my dreams. I am working on gathering all of my poems into a single file for editing and formatting to self-pub as an ebook. I am journaling to rewrite my internal story of self and eagerly anticipating getting back to work on my fiction WIP before the end of the year. like you said, it is never too late and besides it is not like i'm starting from scratch.

thank you for what you do here and for making it free as that is the only way I could have access to it.

CheeryChum78

2 days ago

I have serious CPTSD because of this from my parents. Not ready to go deep yet. 😔

Isca S

1 day ago (edited)

Yes, my mom is even now at 92 a narc. I suppose they never outgrow this condition. Unlike some others here, my mom always told me she loved me (one of her favorite tools of manipulation). I came to question that when I realized, that she would always put me behind her wants & needs. Plus I could never please her though I did try.. sort of. She sure knew what was good for me in my behavior & what I should think. After I left home I realized she would try to manipulate me whenever she wanted me to do something. Guilt has always been her tool of choice. As a child of multiple abuses from age 6 I was well primed for her manipulations. We fought for nearly 50 years, I didn't want to disappear & become her shadow self (a puppet with no personality). Thankfully, not long ago I came across these chats. I never knew why she behaved as she did & still does. She always had to be the queen bee, the know it all etc etc. I have been grey walling her for the last 1 1/2 years. Now she has dementia, which is another whole thing. As for regrets, holy cow do I ever have them. I am 67 years old, & at times I think about what I could have done with my life. I even daydream about what paths I could have taken. It's pretty sad, but I have come to realize there is nothing that can be done to change the past. I do know after she is gone I will be finally be free to have some peace . Therefore I try to mostly live in the present & work on healing with these kind of chats. So thank you Dr. Ramani & others that take the time to make these videos. We victims of narc. don't feel so alone anymore. Narcs have being sucking the soul out of us, but we can get it back with a lot of work we can heal have some peace & maybe even enjoy life.

kvtrms

1 week ago (edited)

I can relate... my mom is a narcissist and all I learned throughout my life was that my life didn’t matter, my needs, wants and dreams never mattered! The only thing that matters is to make her happy and build her a house! I’m scared of everything now and don’t know how to move on! My dad was more loving but he always called my sister and I stupid! He insulted me so much that when I got a promotion the first thing that came out of his mouth was how I’m going to embarrass them cuz I’m not good for the job!!! Help me learn how to move on pls 😞 my ex husband is also a narcissist!!!! I’m so glad I’m divorced

and I stupid! He insulted me so much that when I got a promotion the first thing that came out of his mouth was how I’m going to embarrass them cuz I’m not good for the job!!! Help me learn how to move on pls 😞 my ex husband is also a narcissist!!!! I’m so glad I’m divorced

Ego Griseo

1 week ago

This is, by far, the most powerful vid you've done thus far. I'm weeping at the memories, and at the loss, but I'm also now filled with a new realization. You're absolutely right. I left my ex in 2011 for this very reason. It was the hardest thing I did. I have been having a hard time with these emotions, but you just aligned everything - PERFECTLY. Thank you seems insignificant. But, thank you, Dr. Ramani. xoxo

Amazing how everything you said fits right into my life’s journey of literally 30 years

manuel hubbard

2 days ago

So so true . I cant believe how accurate this is , I am speechless 😮

Fran Macilvey

1 week ago

I've felt like a dog on a leash. Loved, for what I give, and for my unquestioning devotion. Negative comments might not be directed at me specifically, it could simply be enduring the constant emphasis of someone else's goals as more important. I am freer now, though. Survivors story? I got several. Thanks!

Jessica Johnson

5 days ago

I just have to say, Dr. Ramani, YOU are a beautiful person. THANK YOU, thank you for sharing and thank you for caring. I have been following you since the beginning. You have given me and soooo many others knowledge, inspiration, and hope for a brighter future. This world is truly a better place because of people like you. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. And this was really a great video(they all are)well said

YOU THANK YOU. And this was really a great video(they all are)well said

Juanita Nlemadim

2 days ago

Dr. Ramani, can you do a segment on a narcissisti or just a man coming from a patriarchal African society.

Michelle Gewin

1 week ago

Michelle

Your compassion in every word really inspired me.. I really needed this. I am 62 and have just buried my mother. Right now I am grieving two losses: My Mother and really,myself. She inspired my faith in God and value of what it meant to be a woman, yet I have been on a journey of healing the last 15 years without any understanding of the root problems that conflicted me until a few weeks ago. I know God will restore the years, and has been my strength to step out, but it has been brutal, emotionally and physically to my health. My journal, husband and several friends have been there, but Ibsis not know really what was going on. is like stepping out into the clear sky and out of a fog seeing the sunshine for the first time. Right now I am really having so many emotions... I will be even stronger.

Again thank you so much!

When I got the job I had been working towards for five years; a Job that required intense technical skill and knowledge, my mother said to me “I don’t think you’re very smart, I just think you’re smart enough to fool people.” Well, Five years later I’m at the job so who’s projecting now?!

Roxann Lopez

1 week ago

This video is very important for me to hear! I put myself and dreams on the back burner far to long now . I am Reiki and Shaman certified. He crushed my dreams of starting a healing center. However I had to walk the healers path ! I’m on my way to start this again with a stronger love and insight on myself that I can share with others with compassion and more deeper understanding. He isn’t out of my life yet ! As he is having a hard time thinking I still want to be with him . However I have to be smart and a bit more patient . But I have no expectations of him and only of myself now. Working slowly gain my confidence back. Thank you for your helping videos and the strength you create and others when you share your knowledge! 🙏❤️🌹

It’s the voice of the narcissist we hear in our heads even after we break away from them that robs us of our NOW and keeps us trapped in a dark place. That voice has to be exorcised! You are right, Dr. Ramani: it’s never too late to discover our own authentic voice, to be who we truly are, and to reach for our own aspirations whatever they may be. Even one single day of that is worth decades of the other. 💕

luis medrano

1 week ago

Here’s my story....

I am a successful computer animator, and for a while I had this idea to share my knowledge as a teacher. I wanted to teach children, because at 6 years old I was blown away by my cousin’s ability to do animated flip books and that was the beginning of my life path. I wanted to inspire young people the same way my cousin inspired me.

When I shared this idea with the narc it was received with rage, claiming it would interfere with our personal time together. She made excuses just to oppose my dream, so I didn’t pursue.

I started pursuing the dream again last year (2019) after we split, and began teaching animation in public libraries in New Jersey where I live. With the pandemic pushing videoconference technology into homes around the world I am now teaching animation to children in the United States, Panama, and possibly Hong Kong (crossing my fingers on that one!).

This video in particular hit really close to home. I am thankful I found Dr. Ramani a couple of years ago and I agree 100% with what she says here. If you are kind enough to read this please know you do have the potential. Go and follow that dream you always wanted to pursue. This is your time to grow.

I cave up EVERYTHING in my life. My singing, my friends, my family, my sanity. I felt lost and alone, stupid, ugly and incapable. I questioned any good thing I did. I couldn’t understand how I was able to do things when my mind was telling me I was a pure looser. I was involved in a long term relationship, and engaged for 2 months when my narc hit me for the last time. I saw the pure evil in his face and I started googling everything I felt. I found you!!!!!! I watched your videos all night and when you said in one of them to run and never look back I packed my things and disappeared. I knew I had to but it was one of the most heart breaking thing I ever did. The guilt and the hurt and the confusion had me thinking suicidal thoughts. I found myself in a hotel room all alone smacking my head in confusion thinking I was the narcissist. I didn’t know what reality was anymore. I saw two different worlds and I was in between them. I would see a man I adored and the pure devil in disguise. It took months for me to re-wire my brain and realize all my talents and how empathic I am. My final recovery stage into thriving was this very video I am sharing with you. I love to sing and he took that away from me. Made me feel as if my singing was stupid. I HOPE you watch it. I started my YouTube channel and this song means the world to me. I told my story to the world without saying a word about my story. If you do watch, let me know what you think. Thank you so much for everything. You saved me. YOU GAVE ME BACK MY LIFE! I realized how I grew up with a narc dad who abused me my whole life verbally and mentally. I attracted guys that were like my dad. All three long term relationships. 5/5.5/7years. Almost 20 years of pure HELL! Now I love me and I’ve been single for almost a year and thriving and loving my life so much. I know who I am. I know my worth and NOONE will ever be able to take this away from me again. NEVER! I love you so much Dr. RAMANI! If the link does not work please visit my YouTube page and watch my video “Brand new Me”. ❤️😘❤️

https://youtu.be/ATRfp7_yZNk

I was in a relationship/married to a narc for 32 years. I lost my career, independence and self esteem. Eventually I got out, and moved far away. I have managed to start the healing and start to put myself first. The problem is that I am just realizing just how dysfunctional my nuclear family is, and how it set the stage for a relationship that should never have happened. These videos have been a lifeline and guide to my continued work on getting the naysayers out of my head. Unfortunately this type of abuse is terribly debilitating for me and my family is not supportive at all. There are constant “but he did...” as if I am overstating the damage of his words/deeds. Now I’m working on figuring my mess of a nuclear family while living with the original emotional abuser. A challenge to be sure, but one that must be taken on to reach that state of contentment that is my new initial goal.

Janet Johnson

2 days ago

I didn't figure this out until last year. All of these years I didn't want to believe this is what was happening to me. My oldest sister is the devil. She's did so much evil towards me. Sbe had her oldest son, in which he and I are the same age to beat me up. He Caused me head injuries to where my neurologist told me I had bones fragments in my head and a small hole. She gloats at my failures. She would hate to hear anything good about myself and my children's successes. I have failed myself and my children because of how I let her treat me. My daughter was very angry at me for lett6this old woman treat me so terrible. My children and I no longer socialize with her and her children. Her oldest and two youngest daughter's especially the youngest daughter, have accused me of dating her husband. The hate that she has given to me ever sense I was a little girl. Her children and their children have treated my children and grandchildren the same way. My sister and her grandchildren are really something terrible. We dont have the same dad. My siblings didnt like my FATHER. The lies she has told on me to family members are just aweful. She is one of the most disgusting human beings on this earth. Very jealous hearted. I didn't know what the word was before. EVERYTHING YOU spoke on I promise you this is what my NARCISSISTIC sister did to me. I'm the youngest out of five siblings. The only one who treated well is the sister that died. This was the sister I was next to and she died of breast cancer. We could no longer compare notes. I took care of my mom by myself in her home. She told me I couldn't take care of my mom in my home. I sold my home like a dummy. She tells the family so many lies about me. And when I confronted her about it, she started yelling and denying everything. She wanted to fight Me in front of her daughter. She has told so many terrible things about me that wasn't true. She bald up her fist and wanted to fight me in front of her daughter just so her daughter could figjt me too! This woman is almost twenty years older than me and shes still trying to sabotage me. My ex husband is a NARCISSISTIC demon too! You would not believe what he did to me while I was married to him. I have felt so guilty about not being in the same state and city with my sister. When I moved to Seattle WA, where my terrible dead brother's daughter lives too.!She told my niece whom I was once very close to not to let me live with her because all I was going to do is use my niece. My niece believed it. When I confronted my niece and finally my sister my sister started yelling at me. I was no longer invited to family Reunions as well. I mean she has alienated all of them from having anything to do with me. I dont ever want to back around her. She is pure evil. When I would share good things with her she would say I think Im really something. She have caused me so much pain it's just UNBELIEVABLE. I'm really angry now. She turn my two brothers and their children against me. She would say "oh you think you're really something." She and my brothers told me that their children were better than me. And they would always ask me to babysit. I really believe she was working some type of witchcraft towards me. I could go on and on. I dont ever want to have anything to do with Her ever again.

This was so good! I’m crying as I type. I am so free and light. That is all I keep telling people. I feel like I can accomplish anything. I spent 19 years is a crazy-making marriage and I thank God everyday for blessing me to get out. I am in the rediscovery phase right now. Reconnecting with myself and my passions. I am starting a new job that I would never have even applied for in the past.

There is hope after you break free!!!

Dr Ramani, I can relate to the immense anger that I felt with dreams dashed and potential limited.

I could have been an excellent doctor but I was sold from young into the narrative that I am never going to amount to anything. When I did well in school to enter a challenging undergraduate course, the narrative of failing out of school was heavily campaigned and forced down my throat that I self sabotaged my success into medical school to the point that the heavy weight plastic surgeon I shadowed felt that it was a shame that I could never make it to become a doctor. I remembered the look on his face when he was so ready to write anything possible to campaign for my enrollment into medical school and the major disappointment thereafter.

Once again, when I entered academia, the same narrative of me failing as a scientific researcher was forced down my throat that I threw in the towel after years of fighting the narrative and other factors that are non related to narcissism.

Third time, the narcissists tried to pull off the same narrative of me failing as an educator. I looked at the same old tactics feeling sick to my stomach. After so many years, I am proud to say I survived it all. I am a successful tuition teacher spring-boarding my students into places that I missed out on. I emerged with my dreams dashed but I can never, ever let my full potential be limited ever again. Even as a tuition teacher. Enough is enough.

Apparently I've been bookended by narcissists, my mother being one, and my father marrying another after he and my mother divorced. Early on, my stepmother was opposed to me being part of the "new family" so she used the narrative that I had done something to disrespect her (at age six) to discard me. My siblings grew up going to elite private schools and lived in the suburbs, and I had to go to subpar christian schools because of my mother's beliefs. Growing up living with my mother I wanted nothing more to be an "adult" so I could get away, yet she isolated me so I never felt prepared. My mom finally got remarried(to someone with paranoid personality disorder none the less)and her husband whisked her away to a life on the road, so she no longer had to be present or help me out. I had just started college, but they decided to kick me out of the house so they didn't have to worry about what I would do while they were on the road(being not christian to my mother's new husband = satanist). I spent years being essentially homeless, staying with friends while working but having terrible bouts of anxiety and depression, but finally getting my own place. I finally went back to school, and finished my undergrad, and am starting classes in the fall for my MPH. I also teach yoga, and adopt all of my friend's families as my own. I am forever grateful I found this community. And grateful to Dr. Ramani! What a revelation; It really is like taking the scissors to the sandbags! Thank you!

Gilmourish Gilmourish

1 week ago

The ex narc said “ can’t you work in a grocery store “ I said no, that’s not for me. Instead I got my bus drivers license and now drive a big bus. I wasn’t allowed from him.

Within 5 years I will travel internationally while he can stay in his caravan with his new supply who was his ex btw

This brings tears to my eyes.... when I got accepted to present a paper at a world congress in Singapore (I’m an academic) there was no ‘well done’ words, but ‘don’t catch corona’ remark. Got accepted to a conference in Venice and I was over the moon; my partner’s ( a surgeon) reaction was total silence.Narc-free day 12.

Pageanteen

1 week ago

I had no energy or motivation. I wasted 2 years of my life with my narcissistic ex. As soon as I left him I have so much energy and happiness I’m literally glowing. You don’t realize how much they drain you til you leave.

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Khalida Babaali

1 week ago

Mine is a happy ending, after I let go of the narc ppl in my life I achieved most of my dreams and lived all the adventures I have never dreamed of living. I have lost my first job because the narc in my life made me believe that it is not worth it and that I better spend more time with them, and she would do the same every time I get a new job or start a new class/ business. Until I realized I would never achieve a thing if I keep listening to her when it comes to my dreams and my future. So I shifted my focus to my friends and colleagues, teachers and mentors who supported me in my process of learning and working. when I saw the video it reminded me of also my college narc friend whom used to minimize my potentials and achievements, and what help me get through that is surrounding myself by other supportive friends and shifting my focus to the healthy relationships until I cut her out of my life completely !

This inspired me to write this article of why we can't let go of a narcissist person in our life, I hope you check it and get a sight on my personal experience of finally letting go of my abusive friend : https://medium.com/@khalidababaali/why-i-cant-leave-my-abuser-73c8d5ae5ab5

True Light

1 week ago

After i divorced my abusive husband, I took The Artist's Way class, and blossomed like never before. I ran for political office, I had a photo exhibit, I was on the board of multiple organizations, I took courses in couple's therapy and did couple's therapy (which I loved doing!).

Jonathan Vermillion

1 week ago

God dammit. The pain is so intensive and the rage I’m feeling is hard to think straight. I need help

Grey Rock Survivors

1 week ago

As being a survivor and now not having any thoughts on my past relationship anymore. I feel so free and I'm doing things in my life that I have been able to achieve before. I creating new goals and reaching them without anyone pulling me down.

TAO TAO

1 week ago

Dreams and goals are pure energy! Never forget that they are energy vampires. They live to devour any beautiful thing in front of them. Protect your energy and continue to believe in yourself. ❤️

My ex husband was a narcist. He beat me, put me down in everything I did. I wasn't a good wife, mother, human. I was never enough. I couldn't grow in my career. Lost all my friends, family, confidence, just the zeal t live. In 2016 Nov he walked out of the house the 1000th time but this time I never bothered. Told him never to return and filed for divorce. He begged to come back but I stood my ground. Today I'm still going through the divorce proceedings but am super confident, growing in my career, financial stable, looking beautiful as ever and have an amazing loving person in my life. It's just a thread that snaps and then it's all clear

Amanda Bradshaw

1 week ago

So true!! I started dreaming when I cut off my narcissistic parents. I started singing in public, something that terrified me all my life. I also started encouraging my children to dream bigger.

Marybeth Valentine

1 week ago

I encountered my first narcissist in high school; luckily for me, my sister said, "No one has the right to make another person miserable."

Jessica Emmett

1 week ago

I'm crying watching this too, seeing this unfold in front of my eyes, and because people have no idea what it's like dealing with a narcissist. Call them out!

She Mimi

1 week ago

Yes my own mother willingly destroyed my ability to have dreams and ambitions. What she would do is encourage me the first time I share the news with her, and then take that all away whenever I talk about my dreams one more time.

I have been watching Dr. Ramini's videos on narcissists, even though I am 20 years out of the marriage to one. Only a 6 year marriage, but he managed to isolate me, talk me down to where I thought everything was my fault. My friends said I was walking with my head down, and my doctor visits for things that the Dr. had never heard of; dentist fitting me with a mouth guard because I was grinding my teeth. Emotional and mental abuse will kill you. Slowly, from the inside out. I am so grateful for a pastor, friends and family who believed me (some didn't and wanted me to return to him), a career that paid enough to make ends meet, and a great counselor who taught me so much, including boundaries. I have had 2 bosses since then that were insecure narcissists. The narcissist is not easy for me to catch, especially in a job interview. This video is the first one that I just bawled. My ex told me that I wasn't a leader, got paid well because of things having nothing to do with me, got angry at little things and used the silent treatment to cause me pain. Aweful. I love my peaceful home, and, even in this pandemic, cherish every peaceful moment. Please seek a counselor - find someone who will believe you; they will be your lifeline. God bless, K

Lynn Hawks

6 days ago

I was married to one for over 25yrs all my dreams and hopes for myself were ignored. All his dreams came true one day he kicked me out and he left leaving me to lose everything and no money. Then one day I get a call and he committed suicide . I'm trying to restart my Life. But doubt still comes. Want to break free of this nightmare.

Thank you Dr. for your insight on this as they really do rob ones dreams along with your youth, beauty and years. I've been married to one for 31 years. My advice is a man who seeks out a young woman 20 years younger then him is a narcissist. I'm living it and you really can't outsmart them when your so much younger. I'm sharing my story and life lesson to help people beware. If you know someone getting into a situation like that earn them. There is no happiness that comes from that kind of relationship and really sets you up to be under them making your opinion not count as they feel they know it all and what's best.

Adam Orly

2 days ago

My NARC would always create drama right before a major exam.. over and over. Somehow I made it out, but ANYTHING to distract me.

My parents talked me out of going to an Ivy League university, after I graduated early from high school with high honors. They told me to "go be a ski bum" and I DID it, to my eternal regret. I went to a ski area, alone and underage, without a job or place to live or friends there, and made it work. This is one of many events where I wonder if my mother was hoping I would either not survive, or be broken somehow. My dreams were deferred, at best, but I managed to get smart enough to go to college, and eventually to go No Contact and to outlive her. It baffles me because my parents could have lived in comfort off of my success, if they had simply let me do what I wanted to. Their greed was great, but their need to sabotage and diminish me was greater.

Narcissistic and ignorant therapists support the invalidation and sabotage that narcs impose on their victims. This has been extremely common in my research and experience. Many people never find a way out because they are just herded back into relationships with narcissists. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for helping us OUT of these toxic situations.

Traci Dawn Love

1 week ago

Dr. Ramani, you are the only person who has even come close to grasping that concept. No one but you comprehends the ramifications & consequences on that deep level, “the bigger picture”. Aside from all the traumatizing damage.

Bless you. And, thank you. You really are Heaven-Sent. 💕💗💕

Nathan K Karren

5 days ago

I recommend George Gilder's "The Israel Test."

Lost my self-love

Lost my self-worth

Lost my self-esteem

Lost the ability to know right from wrong, good from bad.

Lost the ability to make a decision.

Lost or hid my creativity..

Lost my education.

Lost the right to my own opinion.

Againing healing, living single learning how to care and nurture myself.

One of the greatest gifts I have received thus far is self forgiveness, truly accepting that as a child there was nothing I could do to get out of The narcissistic relationship between me and my mother. Another gift, giving myself permission to grow beyond their limitations, and to realize that my loyalty to myself was more tgen my loyalty to my family and their secrets. The list goes on. I am working on attracting healthier relationships.

Rahul DasVEVO

1 week ago

I was in a Narcissist relationship with a girl for 7 years! And yes, what you said actually matched with everything that happened to me! I hate her now! I see clearly what she did to me!

I went to school to do make-up and special effects for film, TV, and stage. My wife told me countless times that I'm "not a good make-up artist. You're wasting your time because it's getting replaced by CGI." I gave up because she would sabotage my work. She would go into my shop and destroy my sculptures when she was angry with me.

I left her last year and I am slowly getting back into doing what I love. I'm a good artist, though I'm rusty. It's my passion, it's what I've been dedicated to since the 3rd grade. It's my life's work.

My dreams were always a fantasy rather than a goal

The dreams that were more important were my mothers

I am still struggling to fully embrace the fact that dreams are so real and can be made tangible

Smitha Anish

1 day ago

This video is the most potent of all.Sending you lots of love,light and power.❤️🙏🏻

WeyrSingerMWT

3 days ago

I'm a survivor with severe impostor syndrome. Last year I earned my PhD. I didn't believe I could do it until it happened. Even now I have a hard time believing I made it through.

Honestly this video made me cry, I watch these to recondition my mind and break the trauma bonds that seem so impossible to see beyond sometimes ...but I never usually comment...this time though I really feel Dr.Ramani in that this message of not allowing them to squander your potential is very very important for the world, and you, please don't give up on your dreams

When I met my narcisisstic partner I had a wonderful social life, I was very active and healthy and my musical career was going in the right direction for someone like me this was a huge achievement and had taken me till the age of 25 to start mastering the balance..they see positivity and creativeness in your life and they envy it, they think you are unworthy of your "fortune" that you don't deserve the fruits of your labour... they don't at first even realise they envy you I think it is suppressed so quickly and instead they just focus on integrating themselves as best they can, on obtaining your life, permeating every aspect of your life, socially, mentally and physically, she moved herself into my house merely 2 weeks Into knowing her... (Obviously intense love bombing / making phase, along with countless other red flags you ignore because you think you can save this person...)

You slowly start to become more enmeshed in the invalidation that starts happening in private because of their innate jealousy of you,

You don't see it this way because you love them want the best for them and don't want to imagine they could be so infantile / malevolent / insecure / abusive...

The whole time all you want is peace all you want is just one day where you don't get told your not good enough, you don't even care when you now realise you haven't been eating properly or exercising atall for the past few months, you carry on with your responsibilities because you remember how much they meant to you but all you feel is an emptiness a great hole in your heart where your self love and therefore motivation for yourself should be.

That's how it starts that's how it feels when they begin to exercise their control malignantly... That's really only the very beggining....

I am 1 month discarded she has broken contact, everyday I find myself remembering things about me that I loved before and that she somehow convinced me werent there, don't give up your dreams...you are worth so much more than this

I met my wonderful husband (who is a victim of his narcissistic mother, as I was about to find out) and we eloped. My mother in-law was very kind in the beginning, I suppose because being otherwise would have been a too obvious red flag.

We had to live with her for a time before we got settled and she came between us in a way I can’t explain. I helped expand the family business and she shamed, bullied and humiliating me to the point we almost divorced and I almost committed suicide.

Luckily I was resourceful and more than the pain it caused me( I had broken through to a wonderful place before this) I saw what I had done to her son, my husband.

He does have some shadow abusive behavior and it makes him feel so horrible, he is such a woke guy. She did the victim thing to me so bad that I stopped writing, loving, gained 50 pounds, started smoking and drinking.

But I’m overcoming and learning. My main focus is to protect my husband from her. She is subtle and vicious.

Please help us 😢

Sofia Forsen

5 days ago

My x is saying "no One is going to stand out with you like I do " ( My spelling is not so Good ) .. he is making me crazy !! Help !

Absolutely! I didn't realize how many years I wasted emulating my family's narcissism while hurting myself and other people. 5 years of therapy made me understand who raised me. I basically cut everyone off 90% & met my current best friends in the humblest situations. They were kind to me and at that time I absolutely did not deserve it.

I always struggled with sslf confidence/esteem through life. My dad always talked down on my dreams, said I couldn't sing/sounded horrible behind my back if he overheard me practicing. I was always told "You can't..." by him. Then if he was called out, he would say "I'm not the enemy!" I never heard from him that anything was possible and he always tried to get me to go down the paths he wanted me to go. I still tried to pursue my dreams though, looking for auditions, etc. He paid for a couple acting classes after I begged and pleaded, but seemed negative about it thinking that I would quit after seeing what it was like. My mom put me in voice lessons, but only for a month b/c she said I wasnt getting better. After one month 😒. I really never had anyone pulling for me in my family. Myblarenta were in thwir own worlds and my sister hated me and was competitive with me. I always found my own creative activities, made calls, etc from a young age. Once I found opportunities, I had to convince them to take me and my mom usually did. In my older years, if I got gigs my dad's only interest was if I got paid and how much, as if it was his business. He also competed with me, threatening that he would take the shine from me.

I got away from my relatives last year. Initially I was low contact due to guilt and now I am completely no contact. I've changed my number. I need lots of healing to my self confidence though.

Story: Over ten years I’ve spent my time focusing on his needs and being his supply while he devalued me with disrespect and etc. After months of learning, studying and watching Dr.’s videos it gave me the strength to finally leave him. After his last discard I took the time he spent away from home to plan my strategy so I didn’t fight back, look for him and just took the time to save money, and work on myself for what would be my new normal. I received a promotion at the right time (that was so painfully hard not to tell him about per her teachings so we talked about the weather, haha) and found a nice home that I can afford on my own. I still watch her videos to help with grieving, but the hardest part is not being able to share what I’ve accomplished with my partner. Not now and not ever...in due time I will heal and move on to a normal relationship (not anytime soon, haha). Prayers for everyone, be strong and don’t lose your self worth.

I have had suffered from narcissists all my life. At secondary school, many of the teachers were narcissists, especially the head mistress. I was bullied and made example of infront of the class time and again. Every time I tried to make attempts to excel at anything, I was pulled down time and again. I was very unpoplar in my class. I was made to feel I was stupid, thick, and the most disagreeable child living. I was written about in my school reports that I was lazy and never exerted myself, when I so much deep down wanted to excel. Needless to say, I left school with poor qualifications.

Time and again I tried to cut away the sandbags that had been placed on me. I later returned to education at one of the local colleges that took older students. I suprised myself and managed to get into university. I graduated with a 2:1 honours degree in social science. I then went on to gain a masters degree in health psychology. I really felt I was going to turn things around. However many attempts were made to get into work at graduate level. I never got called for interview just letters to say thank you for applying but you were not successful on that occasion.

Not giving up, I went on to start a post graduate training in Occupational Therapy which included a combination of academic work and field work placement. I thought this would be a chance to gain some hands on work experience. Unfortunately, on every work placement I went to, I was at the hands of most unpleasant narcissists who stripped me of all my confidence, be littled me and I even got failed on some of them. I did not put a name to it but I was gaslighted many times. The supervisors fed back really bad reports on my performances to the staff at my University. The staff in turn believed the narcissists and started to condemn me on my "poor" performance. I was even told by one staff that I "cannot expect the fieldwork supervisor to do [my] work for [me]," and that I should basically get off my backside and work in these placements. It was like being back at that school all over again! I tried as an adult to state my case and told them how I was being constantly harassed and bullied. They did not believe me and said I was accusing "eminent professionals", and despised me even more for it. They even told me to go to a psychotherapist and take medication - as if there was something wrong with ME. Well, I did end up leaving the course half way through because I really did became very ill with anxiety and depression. For a long time I was bedridden, then I took a cleaning job because that was about all I could manage. But I felt in time that this was soul destroying work, well beneath my abilities. Time and again I tried cutting the sandbags off me, then to try and move forward in another area, different kind of job. Again, I ended up with a narcissist line manager, again I went through the grievance procedure to make a case against this bullying and harassment. I tried taking the case to an independent organisation, but I was told according to British law, I was not in the job long enough to be helped. This was a barrier in that the narcissist line manager and co-workers always started on me from almost day one of my employment. Then I really did become very ill. I went to councellors, psychotherapists and went on medication for anxiety and depression with awful side effects. I came off medication for a while then went back on when the gaslighting started up again in a new job situation. This happened to me in my life several times over and each time I left a job my symptoms became worse. My insomnia increased. I spent the next day sleeping and hardly go out incase of a panic attack. The last time I was in a toxic employment environment was in 2017. I left after 2 months and never been back to work since. I am very poor, I live on state sickness benefits and hardly go out. The corona virus pandemic has intensified my anxiety over going out.

I am now 60 years of age and gone beyond the pale of ever trying to turn things around again, not even to reach the bottom of the mountain. Yet, the world is ridden with these evil narcissists every where I go. They get away with it as well, never was I able to bring a case against them. Them with their fancy job titles and fat salaries to match!! What chance had I? What do you think to that!?

Barbaralynn Moseman

1 week ago

This made me cry and might be the first thing I heard to pull me out of a very deep hole. Thank you Dr Ramani.

They took my spirit! Now that I recognize what I’ve been dealing with my whole life, (44 years) I’m ready to disappear. If I had the money to move far far away, I would leave right now & never come back. My sister (golden child) helped me to make that final decision when she & my parents ganged up on me the other day. I called them out on their narcissistic abuse & her enabling them. She had her husband there because my parents won’t go narcissistic if certain people are around. She told me she brought him along for that specific reason. Then there’s me, the black sheep! Of course, I’m sick in the head. I need to have my head checked. (I’ve heard that my entire life) they tell people who’ve never met me the same shit before I get introduced. I get so nervous when meeting new people because of that. I want to heal myself from the damage they caused me mentally. I just wish I was financially able to leave & go no contact. That’s another thing they fucked up for me.

Thank you so much for this! I've been feeling so scared and stuck lately. Trying to get away from a narc boss who just reduced my paycheck by 30% without even telling me after requiring that I put in over-time for the past month. I'm barely getting by as it is. I know I need to start my own business but my dog needs a $6,000 surgery and with COVID and this economy: yikes! Anyway, this video is exactly what I needed. Bless you!

drppr 76

1 week ago (edited)

One thing I learned is to never tell a narcissist your goals or dreams - I have a relative who thinks that only her son, daughter, and son in law (all three are narcs too) are the only people who should be allowed to have any success - anything I want to do is discouraged - I avoid any conversations with her or her family - the best thing to do is not tell anyone your goals and instead just focus on how to reach them

Bridgette Traveler

21 hours ago

I'm not giving up on my dreams! My family has no idea what I'm doing! I refuse to let those devils win! I've dated narcissists & my 1st husband was a piece of garbage & thank GOD I dropped them all! I'm praising GOD for all of my accomplishments & I will have many more! With GOD I can do all things!!!

Nathalie Corchado

1 week ago

But it's been almost 2 years and I'm so proud of myself for figuring out the illusions and taking my power back..🦋👑❤👏😎

Gina Gentry

1 week ago

Yeah I'm one of those sad women that has given him my entire life for 36 years , but I woke up a couple of months ago and he's on his way out !!!

My elder brother always angry at me when im the one praise. He will show me to devour me or make me hard if i accept my praises.

So i hv to drag myself even i hv my due praises.

Also, if i confront him his being not contented either with the cold or hot, he will insisting he is entitled to have the last word& keep on twisting, ruining& destroying me even my intention is to have each other.

Cisca Forster

1 week ago

I lost everything, my business that I had built for 20 years, my house, my cars, my furniture, my money, my children. My narsists ex teamed up with my narsists mother, sister and brother! But 4 years after going no contact with all of them and healing from the abuse I landed my dream job, I saved enough deposit to buy a great house and one of my two children came back to me. Just 4 years without any narcissistic abuse made all the difference to my health, wellbeing, and confidence. I'm just praying for the last child to see the light and my world will be complete. I had 44 years of narcissistic abuse from my mother, sister, brother and two exes. They now get to watch my life be successful as their back stabbing to everyone and anyone doesn't work anymore. My daughter believes in me and Is proud that I am smart enough to train for a new career at 47 and she is following in my old footsteps of my previous career and thriving.

DR. RAMANI IS AN

EARTH ANGEL 😇 🙏🥳😉🥰🤩

THX U 4 UR AMAZING WORK!!😊

Cecilia De Rossi

1 week ago (edited)

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 🔥🔥🔥 I almost lost my soul. I am on fire now. In spite of it all and the physical illness I suffered as a result I now lift heavy weights at 54, constantly get hit on by men in their 20s and 30s and 40s lol. In spite of a serious invisible disability that prevented me from even leaving my house I am now also doing Muay Thai kickboxing, I am a very abundant and highly skilled person. An artist, creator, dancer, singer, musician and all never able to do these things after I got married. I am very computer literate and highly skilled in many areas. None of these things were appreciated or looked at as anything good. Someone said lower down....my ‘dream’ should be taking care of him. Nothing else matters. I did the job of computer techs and accounts department among many other things and of course never got paid for it. It was instead expected of me and sleep was not something I even deserved. I was meant to be around 24/7 and god forbid I dare get ill from all of this, which of course I did, very ill but had to still continue as normal. He liked me to be ill so he could treat me like crap even more. I am now at 54 doing voice coaching and playing guitar and creating again....letting my soul soar. I nearly lost my life many times through this but the spark inside of me refused to die. Unfortunately I was just getting all of this underway when full scale narcissism hit the entire world and who knows if we will get out of this.

I had to give up speaking my thoughts, my relationship with my relatives bcz she said such bad things about me that I could not face their questions, my sister bcz she would put pressure on her to not support me in anything and anyway, going out, dancing, singing, hanging out with my friends, wearing jewelry that can clink bcz by that my mom can guess where in the house I am and she would guess the worst possible thing I must be doing and then she'll tell dad all that like they are facts, I stopped stepping out of my room, stopped eating bcz according to her you don't eat if you don't do any work, I stopped making any kind of sound, I made myself indivisible when I'm in the house, she made me harm myself the. said if you thiy you arr that bad why don't you improve... then I realised she have no empathy, and I choose to start therapy and start making noise and avoid any confrontation with her and I keep my headphones on all time. there's so much more to the story, the physical abuse, the social abuse, the financial and the emotional abuse, I have depression since 10 yrs, that was the first time I realised that what I'm going through is abuse but as I was a kid I had no way out and everything and everyone was set against me that slowly broke me and I felt lonely and fell into episodes depression whenever I got triggered but slowly I started making a separate social circles of people who valued me and had same values in life as me and I kept everything I was building away from my mother... it took me years to build that but now I have a support group and i didn't let anyone feed bad things about my people to me. My suggestion is to have a separate life from your narcissist and keep it private don't share any important info about your circle to them and don't stop doing things you love and have a barrier between you and them so their word can't reach you. AND Don't Give Them Another Chance. even if they act nice cuz that's their way to get close to you. Trust yourself. There's this lovely quote I always use to remind myself to trust myself is " Doubt whom you will, but never yourself." by Christian nestell bowee.

I'm not crying! You're crying! I feel like I needed to hear this. Thank you. My mom and dad always told me what I should be working for to a career. I wanted to go into theater and music but my parents convinced me that was a bad idea. So I got a degree to be a social worker but now I work for a storage facility. I feel robbed and wish I had actually tried. I know now it would have been better to try and fail then to just not try at all.

Wednesday's Child

1 week ago (edited)

I actually hid my honor society pins when I was a kid. I lettered in music. My narcissistic brother was happy to tell me that my parents would not help me with a school where there was a music program. My mom actually told me my musical pursuits gave me an anxiety disorder. I believed it and quit for years, but began playing again as an adult. I had a narcissist co worker, and I finally had to leave because of her constant manipulating. My mom would tell at me for reading books. I hid my books. I told my kids, all boats rise with the tide, celebrate all successes.

Ramz Sharma

4 days ago

Gave up all my dreams for a marriage n pleasing him all the time Confusion cognitive dissonance working very hard to survive

I wish i was happy 111

4 days ago (edited)

I was with a woman for two months just recently from May to july. She tore me down while makingme worship her and I've had a lot of much needed healing i don't think i can deal with her screwing everything in my head up.

Ellen Tieszen

1 week ago

I had to squelch my aspirations for so long that l no longer remember what they were. I feel passion for nothing though l have been trying for years. (60s now)

Your words echo in my brain: “The narc needs you more than you need them.” I’m still struggling after 30 years! I self-sabotage by contacting when I’m at my lowest, and then I feel like I don’t and can’t ever measure up to other women with so (maybe) years left. I’m sitting on a book I’ve thought of for years and years. I know I’m a talented writer who helps people emote. I’m continuing to watch repeatedly these videos and comments. Maybe I’ll soar before menopause or death. I’m only slightly kidding. Much love~

Pam Hanks

1 week ago

How timely this is. This very issue has been on the fringes of my conscious thoughts. This is what has kept me stuck where I am in my healing. At one point while I listened, I started to sob. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your dedication to the work you do!

What do we do when never had any aspirations or dreams?

I was never shown any encouragement to dream about my future.

I was told I would never survive without my mother.

I owed her because she let me live, said she could have aborted me, told me she could kill me and no one would care.

It took me until I was 52, repressed memories hit me like a ton of bricks.

I finally did start fighting back, setting boundaries.

Now, age 56, no direction in life.

I have given much thought to what I want my future to look like.

I have no idea.

I do not remember wanting to be anything.

I just wanted to survive.

Most of my classmates wanted to be doctors, lawyers, farmers, dancers.....I remember thinking it must be nice to have those dreams.

I guess my dream was to survive.

Oh for sure!.... especially in childhood I’ll never recover from how behind it left me. I was homeschooled and trapped in a cult with at least one narcissistic parent, both of whom told me it was wrong to go to therapy. I was in so deeply I didn’t leave until age 20, got into several romantic relationships that were even more abusive. They like to say my life choices did this. Left me broken. My choice to be abused. My choice to fail. My choice not to get therapy. My choice to be gay and live in the closet. My choice not to forgive. My choice to make them so ashamed of me, I am the worst person they ever knew. Even though I’ve never actually made any truly bad decisions. The part about shame and gaslighting. My stupid parents actually left me, abandoned me, for no reason, we a crucial time and after growing up being told women are inferior and should not be independent, I simply never recovered. I hope one day it is possible.

Julius Caesar

1 week ago

Redo the title, “ How YOU allow narcissists to destroy your dreams.”

Hi Dr.Ramani,

I was in a relationship with a narc for 8 years. I lost money, job opportunities, friends, my health and beauty (I had lots of stress related pain, anxiety attacks, and my hair began to thin and my skin always looked dull) I lost my sense of style and individuality because I always tried to conform to what he wanted me to look like. But most importantly I lost my peace of mind and my confidence in myself. Everyday feelings of fear and self doubt plagued me.

Its now been over a year since I ended it, I am pursuing my degree, I got on the deans list, I have become more spiritual, I have committed time everyday to try new things or do things I love, and I am now in a very loving and supportive relationship with my bestfriend. Once I allowed myself to feel my pain, sadness, and grief- and found the strenght to be self-compassionate and forgiving towards myself my entire life turned around for the better!

charlotte osterbaek

2 days ago

Years! Many unproductive lonely years wasted... still in one

I thought getting a new home was a happy milestone.but that saddened me when I thought of needing to announce as a respect to my narc fam. As I remembered each major milestone of my life, they never fail to destroy and make me cry on the day. As expected, they forced their views on me on how i should renovate. When I just said I need to look for more ideas... they made a horrific experience for me by yelling at me calling me names and slam my car and shouted all over the neighbourhood for sake of shaming me. I was just numbed.

Terri Vargulich

1 week ago

I never married my exNarc but we were in the classic stop-start relationship for 17 years. I stayed in my own home to continue raising my children from a previous marriage and I think kept trying to "make it work" for many reasons, one of those being my initial ignorance and subsequent denial about his narcissism. The last 18 months have been narc-free and I'm feeling a return to my old self - slowly. Your videos top the list of the many resources that enabled me to validate my experience and understand exactly what I was dealing with. I continue to watch them to help with my continued healing and strengthening. Even after you leave the relationship, you are still putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Narc abuse is such a confusing experience - on many levels - and there are few people who can truly understand that. Thanks for doing these!

How do you recommend explaining a 17-years long relationship, such as mine, to new people who wonder about the chaotic nature of the relationship and why I stayed in it for so long - especially to potential partners when I begin dating again? I think my concern is coming across as the unstable one.

The narc devours one's soul, their whole purpose for being, in order to prevent their victim from shining in this world. I have found as an extremely creative and talented individual I am a narc magnet and the only thing they want to do is prevent me from being me and creating things of beauty. I have many in my family and my current husband is the most covert I have seen and he is very jealous. I am in the final editing stages of a book, the first in a series of 7, and he is saying and doing everything he can to stop me! I have intellectual properties (inventions) to license the ideas and he makes sure I have nothing to work with to take these to market. We do not lack the finances but he restricts me in every way possible. I need and will get some of this done so I can financial support myself and get away from this JERK!

Laura Cicero-Miller

3 days ago

OMG I could of been so many thing's ! I've had many in my life, so many telling you, your not good enough . So very sad, I attract these tile of people. I just did not know.

WildCat Sal

3 days ago

Omg! I'm currently being treated for PTSD and major depression after my husband passed away a year ago. I haven't been able to grieve and couldn't figure out why!!! 25 years of Narcissistic abuse! I hope it is not too late for me at age 60.. 😭😳

Crystal-Marie Sealy

1 week ago (edited)

It's like you're in my head. From the future taking to the move! I'm getting past the anger to focus on the healing and getting them out of my head. Still facing and trying to release the shock and trauma of each breakdown I'm recognizing. Not to mention the ways my parents prepared me to engage a monster like this!

My mom convinced me that after I had recruiters from Clemson come to see me, got scholarships to 2 different music schools... That I would basically turn into a bad person if I went away from home for college... Music is my life and gave me so much strength and confidence in school. So I never had a career in music. Years later, I fucking hate it when she says things like "you could've been so great..." 😤Yes.... Yes, I could have

Laura McAllister

1 week ago

When I told my ex2 I wanted to go back to school, he said "that's great" but when the reality of my time divided between classes assignments and time spent waiting on him, he became very indifferent, resentful and that's when his affair began. I started school in September, his affair began in October. I didn't notice it until the following May 2012. They don't want their partners to go beyond being a servant. I gave up my career to stay home with our boys. His mom was a stay at home mother and so was mine. We decided we didn't want our children in daycare and it would save us money if I was home. When we built our home, I went back to work on weekends so the kids would be with him and we wouldn't need daycare. I worked scheduling home nursing, and when I got home, the house would be destroyed, the kids didn't get fed and when I asked the kids what daddy was doing all day, they said he was in the bedroom with the door shut. The following weekend, I left a voice activated tape recorder in our bedroom. It was pornography. Then a few weeks later I found a video he made of himself (while I was at work and he was supposed to be watching our kids )with a sextoy. I quit my job because my kids weren't being supervised. They were 3, and 4. I couldn't leave them with him for any length of time. He had to have 100% attention all the time or he acted like a child. I was working when I met him. Lived in an apartment with my daughter and was doing completely fine. They act like they added to our lives but they didn't. They made it harder and difficult. It's like having a grown child that can't get enough of the life sucked out of you. I've never had so much peace as I have since I kicked him out. He's a chaotic storm.

Garg p

1 week ago

This resonates but my mum makes me feel I am falling my dreams of being top of the career ladder & not rich. Never once asked what interests me. It was just pressure to perform, do conventional job like Dr. I was more artistic. And always comparisons and criticism.

yep all of the above, including work snakes, employers, partners and the most insidious, relentless abuse and damaging, an older sibling. once i woke up to recognising these types, their intentions and modus operandi (always textbook behaviours) and learnt how to set boundaries, the narc radar is a sharp and finely tuned instrument in my self protection kit. thanks to the support from dr ramani, hearing others' experiences, 9 years of ongoing therapy and most importantly my role that has been played in these dynamics, i now walk with my eyes wide open. ^^^^^

Story: I grew up with a narcissistic father and he is the main reason I never married, never had children. I was terrified in my 20s that he would kill me if he found out I was signing in public. Whether than fear was justified or not, it was very real to me. I have had difficulty with authority figures throughout my life, mainly in my career. I have had entry level jobs with some managerial experience, but struggled to get a foothold. Now in mid-life, I have gone back to school to change careers and am absolutely determined to be financially independent after decades of poverty. I will own my own house and I sing whenever I can.

I won’t stop I promise, this is what I needed to hear my dear thank you

Dr Ramani, here's a video suggestion from me - often times when I take a stand against a narc or against any other unfair treatment I am receiving from someone, it feels like I am being too demanding. I feel guilty, even though I know I'm right. And then it can turn into self doubt, like was I being too harsh or too dramatic. Can you make a video on practical tips to overcome this feeling.

I'm in a healthy relationship, but when I stand up for myself when required the guilt of being demanding exists.

Lots of love ♥️

Story: I had my feet in the first rung of the ladder of success in my dream job field ... then I got pulled off. That was over 20 years ago and I never regained that ladder.
This happened to my now, dead husband. He died August 14, 2019 from stage 4, aggressive prostate cancer. From 2015 when he was diagnosed they gave him 5 yrs. However, doctors told me that his prognosis could have been avoided. Several doctors and department heads kept telling me that they saw diox in his body. His narcissist fed him daily, telling him that he could only eat food she prepared. He suffered terribly before he died. The scar tissue on his private areas was severely scared. He was unable to urinate the regular way. She crushed his private area. It was like he was in a car crash. Everyone tried to warn him. He laughed. He didn’t heed the warning. She ruined him financially, physically, mentally. His body turned into liquid gangrene right before me and our children. The smell of rotted flesh was overpowering. Yet on Facebook the individual is on to the next host. Witchcraft was also used on him. This is the absolute truth. The narcissist has the potential in killing the empathetic individual.

I’ve had this all my life from family, colleagues and friends. Just one example is where I landed a job in the Constabulary and the woman who interviewed me was all for me. I was only young and she thought that I had a lot of potential. When I told my ex about this job he said it’s good that you can get positions like that because of how you look 😡 😔 I’d worked my backside off on my application and in preparing for the interview, that’s why I got it.

Story: I have been through absolute hell, it began when I was kidnapped as a baby and it just ended at 55.

Narcissist and also psychopaths do that ..... proactively. This is (they are) extremely harmful ........ to life itself .

And this is going on for ages upon ages.

Ideal City Living - ICL, GTV

Saturday 18 July 2020

Narcissistic Personality Disorder 0

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