Flying Monkeys

What are "flying monkeys"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDclCIFQML8

When narcissists can no longer control you, they will control how others perceive you.

It's more painful when no one believes that you're being abused by the narcissist despite that you have presented proof of the fact. It can be very destabilising.

"Flying monkeys" sounds like middle management. Their entire mission is to normalize abusive behavior.

They want you to feel scared and alone ..... Also they don't want others to like you .... When they see your strength and joy despite what they try to do ....They hate and resent you for it ....

The smear campaign begins long before the relationship breaks down. If you could be a fly on the wall, you would see that the narcissist subtly undermined the victim to the flying monkeys much earlier. That’s how the campaign often works so well.

Go no contact with the flying monkeys too

Dr Ramani! Just when I think I have a firm grasp on narcissistic abuse, I watch your videos and get a much more in depth understanding of what is happening to me. You help me cope. Thank you!

Covert narcissists depend on their flying monkeys to do the job.

Yuppers you really find out who your friends and family really are, its a bitter pill to swallow

Sometimes I feel like of all narcissistic abuses, that they turn everybody against you and you are left alone, is the worst. You try to heal and move on but you have no one who believes you.

I heard that narcissists are usually friends with other narcissist because they don’t call them out on their BS (bullshit), so they’re probably more than a flying monkey.

"Your entire truth has been stolen. And it's devastating to let go of the people who you thought loved you." .... So true! But when you do this, finally let go, you'll grow a new network of people who truly support you. But most importantly, you gain your freedom ... and that is an amazing feeling. And the people who are actually sensible will come around. But that's not your job to make that happen. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!🙏🏽❤️

'Until a narcissist happens to you' ... it is funny and so true to put it like that. It is like having a disaster happening to you.

During the isolation from the virus, watch for these people who are trying to reach out to you. 2 of my ex's have contacted me, I have not responded to them. The narcissist is bored during this time.

Narcissists and their FM’s have this network where they will create a narrative about you and see you all in the same way. No matter how much you present facts and try to debunk their claims about you, there is no reasoning as they’ve all been programmed to feed in to their cognitive bias to see you in a negative light portrayed by the narcissist.

If a flying monkey comes around and acts contrite (sad, regret) .... DON'T believe them. They're phishing .... fishing for gossip.

So ... in reality the victim is trapped unless they realize the (tactics) of the narcissistic people. Terrible evil people.

I've lost count of how many of relatives and family friends have told me, apropos (as) of nothing, how cruel and unfeeling I am to have cut my Dad out of my life. One of my Dad's friends (whom I barely know) came up to me at my brother's wedding and, under the pretext of giving me a hug, pinned my arms and wouldn't let me go while he growled in my ear that "we all need to forgive our parents". And I only stopped talking to my Dad -- I haven't breathed a word against him to anyone! It really makes you feel attacked from all sides.

some people were flying monkeys before the role was attributed to them.

Dr. Ramani nails it EVERY time!!! She has amazing insight and knowledge in discussion of this disorder!!!

I think that this is also what happens in families when one child becomes the scapegoat. They get blamed and become the focus as a locus for blame of problems. However this is a sad predicament bc it is like a form of psychological slavery for the child; the other children and even the spouse all conspire against one child who may have either vulnerabilities or even more character. They may be brave enough to confront the narcissist. Or they may have qualities the narcissist is threatened by or is jealous of. Whatever serves them. The child is sacrificed to the ritual of service to the dynamic of the role that serves them. And the child’s life is ultimately destroyed. The other family members are like wolf packs or have wolf mentalities and prey upon the weaker ones without actually reflecting on the dysfunction.

Anyone who doesn’t support me and tries any of this bs, I will cut off. I don’t care if they want to take his side, I know the truth.

I’m glad she mentioned going to a therapist that knows about the “mob mentality” and “flying monkeys”. I was shamed into forgiving and having a relationship with a toxic family member by a therapist that didn’t take my stories of abuse seriously.

This is exactly what's going on with me. So crazy making.

Narcissists are aware that their version of happiness isn't the same as someone that's healthy. Majority of them are constantly alone and they fear that so much. You'll find a lot of them needing to be surrounded by people to fill that empty space.

The thing that gets me about flying monkeys is that they KNOW the narc lies. They know it, yet any bit of sensationalist claptrap they say about their scapegoat is blindly accepted as gospel truth.

This is why there are so many lawsuits filed against Corporations. There are many Narcissist in Human Resources. H.R is there to protect the company and not the Employees.

My ex narc has begun trying to hoover me .... I’ve found that FMs often are clueless they are being used. They aren’t really “in on it”.... they actually think they’re being helpful to a “good guy”. It’s both sad and amusing.

This sadly is why quarantine is not that new to me. Yet, my insecurities aren’t contagious. My heart is going out to families and individuals that are going through these dark and scary times. Stay strong 💪

It’s bad though when you’re the child of said narcissist and this happens. I actually call those people her “minions”. I feel like I have no one and that can be tough at times. Thankfully, if you’re not for me, you got to go. No one is spared at this point; I matter and only have one life to live!!!

Narcissist are full of propaganda & lies & deceit & smearing & trianglation and gaslighting . Dr.Ramani speaks so much truth when it comes to these toxic narcissistic individuals . Gossiping seems to be the narcissist favorite tool.

Siblings = flying monkeys in my case. No matter what I had done for them.

It’s excruciating (extremely painful) when the narcissist turns your children into FM, even after they witnessed the narcissist’s bad behavior.

The narcissist need to get you after spinning such a large web otherwise they lose credibility, they never give up until your destroyed . Even seemingly good people can be turned into flying monkeys it's hard to notice when it's just common gossip. Never defend yourself theirs no winning, just be as nice to the flying monkeys as much as you can.

This one memory of what they do has kept me in no contact. It says so much.

FM’s are lacking maturity, insight and self confidence in themselves. They just picked the wrong group to hang with so they aren’t the victim.

My Covert Sister tried to Triangulate me against my Stable Sister and I said to her “I have to suspend my opinion until I hear both sides.” Then she started to backpedal.

Hardly anyone seems to understand or take this phenomenon seriously..

I have lost (or nearly) all the important relationships in my life - and I'm near 60. In an age where liars, cheats, embezzlers, sexual harassers, rapists, murderers still get invited to dinner parties, I wonder what allegations could have led to these estrangements. I am a kind, empathetic person and very self-critical. I am honest and refused to go along with corruption as my ex-narc boss wanted. He has destroyed me - almost. I honestly think that I can account for my life and would come out with a positive score. Right now, it is difficult to believe in a loving God, karma, divine justice, Law of (effing) Attraction or bullshit like that. But even with this Covid-19 lockdown, I am doing my bit to help. That may be the difference!

Just want to say ... thank you dr. Ramani! Please never stop posting new content! :) You are the best!

I swear this happened to me at every job I've worked at. They can sense codependents and empaths right away. Thus making you the ideal target. These places hate truthers. Before I found out about NPD, I would always question why does this always happen to me.

It amazes me how the narc gets them to just blatantly lie for them, even though they themselves are marginalized by the narc as well. What is up with that? No self-respect at all? I don't get that. Why willingly hurt someone else when they know the truth of the situation? Why choose that side? I will never understand it. My character was completely trashed and I lost an entire group, a support group no less, by lies that are still swirling around and believed by those who should know my character. They all deserve each other. It is exactly like a religious cult leader's brainwashing, isn't it? A friend of mine, a true one, who was in the middle of it as well, said I did not lose any friends, I just found out who they really were. Adding that your videos have been invaluable, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.

Exactly, I’m a forgiving person ... I just will be more aware of what that person is capable of ... I wouldn’t trust them fully again because I’ll be wondering when they will take flight again.

Gossip feeds people and they love it when others are the focus of attention. Not one of his minions ever had any remorse for what they did to me, and I don't want nor do I need their apologies. They are as bad as him, in my opinion, because they were very quick to believe the absolute worst in me from just one person's word.

My narcissistic aunt has turned my entire extended family into flying monkeys. She tried to get my sister too, but my sister instantly saw through it.

I wanted to save the "flying monkeys" from the narcissist but I knew that they were so brainwashed that it would have been pointless. But most of them became victims themselves and THAT is what I wanted to prevent from happening.

When I was a kid and watched the Wizard of Oz on TV, the flying monkees SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Little did I know they would come back to haunt me in my adulthood. 😐

This sounds exactly what happened to me. The minions aka flying monkey's are the worst. They will take sides because the narcissist will tell tales and gossip to everyone and the next you know you are getting the side eye from people they talked to. I would here stuff "Oh that's just the way she is" about myself. It got really ugly. However, I landed on my feet. The narcissist was eventually sent away by recommendation of a psychiatrist to the facility director. After this person terrorized the workplace for 10 years, she was sent on her way a few years after I retired. The agency director had enough chutzpah to get them out of the organization.

The crazy thing is that when the narcissist ends up being exposed and/or is finally “taken down”, the flying monkeys end up trying to save face so that they don’t go down with them.

Really loving this series. It’s great to hear a deep dive or a more in depth look of all these concepts. I find it very helpful and makes it easier to understand. Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into all your videos.

i've commented this before but please do a video on going to court with a narcissist that accused you of doing things you didn't

I wish that all of this detailed and clear content had absolutely no relevance in my life, but that is not the case. Excellent video. ^^^^^^^

Queana Ivory Music

3 months ago

When they get to smear campaigning me, I get to smudging and meditating... it does help some..

Matilda

3 months ago

Thank you very much. Cults recruit flying monkeys non-stop. Awareness is paramount. Never be a flying monkey. Once awake, especially men, find this eventual reality incredible difficult and painful, that someone used them to hurt another person when it wasn't even their idea. It's a crushing, crushing realization that I don't wish on anyone. Some people never forgive themselves for falling into the trap of being a flying monkey. it's devastating, I've seen it a number of times. Just don't do it. Keep your dignity and self respect. Remember, one of the most powerful words to a narcissist is "No". Then calmly walk away.

Sky Bloom

3 months ago

To me it’s like Narc is the ventriloquist and FM is the puppet 😂🤣 FM’s were groomed by the narc to accept the narrative the narc presented to them. FM’s show an unhealthy devotion to the narc and they don’t even bother to question what was told to them. They will use FM’s online as well to keep an eye on you like random friend request, dm, fake accounts to lurke on you with etc

LaFayette3110

3 months ago

Thank you! Last month, I deleted the last of them from my social media after 2 years of grey rock / no contact. But this video brought tears to my eyes. My whole reality and what I believed about people shifted two years ago, thank you for bringing all of these concepts to light! 🤗✌

Q Whishaw

3 months ago (edited)

It’s even worse when the flying monkeys are narcissistic too😔

I used to be gaslighted by my ex and his friends that I feel I am the one being awkward, But it turns out I was trapped in a mad house. Or a circus🤷‍♀️

Rosanna Miller

3 months ago

The person who doesn't mind being alone are the worst targets for Narcissists.

Empower Empaths

3 months ago

Loving the in depth look at these terms! 👏

Joe Bloggs

3 months ago

Buy her latest book, it will connect so many dots, it's even cheaper on amazon kindle.

Mind blown. 💜

Rita Asare

3 months ago (edited)

"Everything has to happen on my schedule" my entire TRUTH has been stolen from ME by my family members I thought they were going to support...ME.

LA VIE EST BELLE!

3 months ago

Can you do an episode about "Reactive Abuse" ? Thank you so much for your work Dr. Ramani !!

Sydney B

3 months ago (edited)

amazing! I switched employers after the manager started a smear campaign against me for the result of his own shortcomings. He had a crowd of flying monkeys to explain how faulted I was, and how perfect he was in comparison. Not sure how that smear campaign landed, given that it was quite false . . . but it was enough for me to grab my hat and go. One coworker mentioned that he was incorrect during the meeting of flying monkeys . . . to which he scoffed in response. I really wanted to explain myself to him and his crowd of flying monkeys, but it was best not to. I like how you mentioned that if the flying monkeys never consulted the other side prior to latching on to a narcissist's story, what use would it be to explain your side? Their method of opinion-forming is lacking.

realtalk

3 months ago

When it comes to dealing with flying monkeys, it’s all about addition by subtraction... The flying monkeys MUST go... ALL of them... Without complete separation from the flying monkeys, you’ll never be able to completely separate yourself from the narcissist... The flying monkeys will tell the narcissist everything... and I mean EVERYTHING. This, however, can be quite difficult to accomplish in a family or workplace setting, but MUST be accomplished to the greatest extent humanly possible.

DJ Crackademiks

3 months ago

It always seems with my ex, the flying monkey roster was always changing, because she kept falling out with them too. Narcissists don’t have “long time” friendships or a regular group of friends

Marjorie Dickinson

3 months ago

Thank you for helping me be sane .....

HaleyMaryArtzab

3 months ago

Narcissists and their flying monkeys are like a mafia. I remember there were some guys making fun of my values I guess to try to help this narcissist out, embarrassed the hell out of me and it was so difficult to tell one of my friends how I saw it and they didn't believe the narcissist meant anything by it. I'm at the point where I'm very careful about who I let in, about who I trust, because I find there are so many people who will also be mean to you if they see someone bully you or they will just stand idly by and let bullying happen because they might be too scared to stand up to them.

Cld9 Shadow

3 months ago (edited)

My husband did this with some new friends we made at church. He kicked me out of the house, called my friend up asking to remain friends with her, with me out of the picture. She agreed! I just had a feeling this was happening so I asked her, what’s up? She went into a rage on me. For a while her and her sister were harassing me. She even got some other friends from church to turn on me. Then my husband dumped her to work on our marriage. Well, my narc husband has now left me. Thank God! And I see his FM every so often. She just stares at me like she’s obsessed with me. I turn my back to her each time we make eye contact. Thanks for the video, now I know this behavior is his pattern and it has a name. These videos are labeling everything I’ve been put through. I am coming out of this stronger and wiser than I could have ever imagined. I can not thank you enough!

May Jeganmogan

3 months ago (edited)

i was smear campaigned by a really narcissistic friend (told me i was overreacting when we thought my mum had cancer) at school and im just so happy its over now. the last year of school is meant to be your best one in the uk since you turn 18 and can drink but it just made me suicidal, genuinely, because i was convinced that i was an awful person and that i was the perpetuator rather than the victim, saying i had a victim complex which bewildered me even more... such a relief to hear about this tbh it gives me a bit of sanity and makes me forgive myself to understand i was actually done wrong by.

Butterfly Magic with Hot Tea

3 months ago

Good morning Dr Ramani, the video on "future faking" was particularly pertinent. My daughter has been significantly influenced about her future hopes and dreams by the Narc in her life. Not sure how to tackle this delicate issue at her tender age but your series on these concepts is very helpful. Thank you

Daniela Deutsch

3 months ago

When I am watching Dr. Ramani´s videos, I am always asking myself: "Are narcissist watching these videos? Are they improving their "powers" with it?"... hmmm..

Mala Rai

3 months ago

Oh the flying monkeys. I'll never understand that

Heidi Lewis

3 months ago

Absolutely true! My 28-year marriage ended nearly two years ago, when I suddenly escaped with my daughter. My ex-husband has convinced my former faith community, former neighbors and even our two young adult sons, that I am simply delusional.

Fortunately, my daughter and I are healing and thriving and learning to design our own lives according to our own values. Fortunately, I have your online community and other support groups to help me regain my footing and to see more clearly what a healthy emotional and spiritual life actually looks like. Thanks for all the affirmation.

Thelifeof VedaMariiee

3 months ago

Now question how do you find the right therapist for this type of convo

A R

3 months ago (edited)

I find the ads in these videos extremely disruptive. So much that i lose the thread of what Dr Ramani is saying and consider abandoning the whole video. Can they please be grouped at the start / end please. Very frustrating.

Fred J Walsh

3 months ago

This was the most insidious part of the narcissist's influence.

My situation was made more vulnerable because of the disparity in how often the narcissist would hang around with our mutual acquaintances at the local bar and how often I would. He was there every day, and my appearances were weekly or every two weeks or more. Additionally I am a much more low-key person, and he is boisterous and gabby. So as a result of these factors, there was a vacuum for the narcissist to fill with his own narrative about me. Slowly it seemed to me that people came to see me the way the narcissist saw me or modeled as the way to see me. Frustrating.

The rule I learned was, When a narcissist realizes he/she cannot control you, they will then try to control how people see you. And the damage is insidious, frustrating, and disheartening for how seemingly easily influenced people can be.

Yoni Ernest

3 months ago

I’m starting to decode all the gossip I heard from a Narcissist in my life about other people. Pretty imaginative stuff

Bmore Mom

3 months ago

Yup, I've seen this phenomena first hand. My husband is a gullible flying monkey and his father has used him to attack (verbal abuse) his target by proxy. Making the target cry and the narc laughing in delight. The narc tries to attack me, with subtle insults or provocations, I just ignore or respond with I don't value your opinion or let haters continue hating, I must be doing something right. I have been called the disabler, because I call them out on their toxic immature behavior. I don't care if the narcs do not like me, it is my job to like myself! Narc's are NOT your friend, so do not value their opinions and do not rely on them for anything. If you cannot go NO contact, ignore them!

s w

3 months ago

Once I was victim of the smear campaign as the new one in the job. I did not let it go through. I went to my boss and told him. These are the rumors. I won't let it go through. You have two options I talk to them and I cannot guarantee I do not lose temper, though I will try my best. Or you can do it. Finally all were invited for a conversation. And I was several times reassured by the wicked flying monkeys it has never happen. It was a lie. But I said fine for me. No whining. No arguing. Just demonstration of self-respect. But now I was not longer an easy prey. To demand respect and show the strength might help. But you have to be strong. In a weak position it is not that easy.

Annie Carbonneau

3 months ago

Have you ever seen a flying monkey dynamic turn into gang-stalking? There's spying involved, so perhaps it could start becoming obsessive.

Sam Black

3 months ago

Narcissistic abusers in my workplace tried to recruit me as a flying monkey, I changed jobs. You have to be true to yourself at all times. I have suffered from abuse all my life, it is very painful, but I have gained so much knowledge of myself and of others that I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you Dr Ramani for your insightful and very much needed videos.

Maya Lucia

3 months ago

Quick question:

You mentioned in a past interview that narcissists have a selective memory.

Do they actually forget or do they pretend like they do?

I had a friend who's dad made their life a living hell when they were young but it seems like he's oblivious to it. I just can't understand how they 'forget' , it has to be an act, right?

Dio dio

3 months ago

I wish there would be a double or triple like-botton to press...

Nora Peace

3 months ago (edited)

My narc’s flying monkey definitely knew what the hell was going on and covered up for him. When I called him out on his crap, he tried to spin it to make himself look like a good guy until he realized I wasn’t having it and he tried baiting me to argue with him & became very aggressive quick almost as if to discard me before I could discard him. Can flying monkeys be narcissists too??

Kim Illg

2 months ago

Do you ever find that you are eventually all by yourself....trusting no one?

Meredith Heath

3 months ago (edited)

Nope - narcissists are NOT blind - they know what they are doing

However - I have turned poisonous myself. I will no longer "be the nice guy", and WILL use those tactics against others - learned my lesson well.

James Myers

3 months ago

All I can say to you, Dr. Ramani, is thank you for making this information accessible to people like me who couldn’t afford it otherwise.

Jack Goodings

3 months ago

I went for a teaching job interview where my ex wife had been working after we'd broken up. The ladies there said that my ex was such a wonderful person, so sweet. I didn't say anything. And then, when I started for the three months at the school I spoke about in the next comment, there was a student who asked if I knew this lady .. turns out it was my ex. I said no but I asked how he knew her. He said she was his teacher at the school where I went for the interview. He went on to tell me that the teacher (my ex), her ex husband, had been cheating on her and so she broke up with me. Oh my goodness, can you imagine the inner strength it took for me to keep pretending I had no idea. Think about it, how did he hear this. Why was this such a big topic. And .. it wasn't true. I didn't cheat on her and I was the one that left her. It's insane !!

Constance King

3 months ago

In my experience the FM's thought they were "doing the right thing", thinking they were mending the family or that I just needed to "forgive" I even had one come to me from a view that because I am Chrisitian I should forgive, and my mother thought that tactic would bring me into reconcillitation. Or that I should just be back in her life because the FM had a worse or more abusive parent.She reached out to a person she never even liked to do this. Well, Jesus doesn't call us to be doormats- and we are called to live a happy and full life. The best thing my therapist ever said was that I come first, then my spouse and child directly after- anyone who wishes to harm our circle in any way doesn't need in. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I am certain there are so many who get clarity from your wisdom!

BooDotBoo

3 months ago

Two reasons I'm happy my narc ex was long distance: there's very little chance of me running into him and people he knew didn't know me enough to be a flying monkey.

However, I can't say the same for my mom and sister; they have plenty of them... and all of them are family.

Maureen Garry

3 months ago

"Did this person [flying monkey] actually ever really have your back?"

Excellent question. And excellent advice to find a better group to hang with. It's tough, because there are a lot of other relationships that will probably be lost along with the monkeys. But it's so much better, more FREE, on the other side. Good people are out there.

Thank you once again, Dr. Ramani. You're such a blessing to us all!

Silent Grove

3 months ago (edited)

My story had me accused of abusing and threatening the narc. I had to go before a tribunal to defend myself from allegations that I didn't even at the time know where they came from. They presented me with a document of a human rights codes and highlighted ones that I had alleged violated. I remember only one person on my side someone at the organization I was on good terms with and always kind to me. They said "I cannot believe this is happening to you." I replied "You should be me to see what it feels like."

I didn't know a thing like this even existed. Later one of the monkeys was let go as likely their behaviour came into question finally. Some of the flying monkeys can be fellow narcs, coverts are very hard to spot and female ones in this day and age get away with lots of stuff under the cry "That man did something bad to me." include the crocodile tears and the picture it paints. In a worse case I might have been arrested on trumped up charges and I suspect such things do happen to men.

It did become deeply destabilizing for me, I won't go into details. I had to return to therapy and it took two years to recover. I only knew this person briefly though I suspect I caught on early enough and began calling them out which is why it fell apart so abruptly.

I suspect most people do not have a clue what a narcissist is until unfortunately they find themselves around one of them.

Karolina Julia

3 months ago

I was waiting for this topic! Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️

Dahlia Demyan

3 months ago

Flying monkeys is what I have to deal with. He has over ten while I just have two. Something in me really wants them to see his truth and leave him so he looses but they always win

patty teed

3 months ago (edited)

My husband has groomed my daughters since they were teenagers, to believe that I’m mentally ill. There’s nothing I can do to change this narrative. It’s so hurtful, especially when they always defend their father. Yes, I see a therapist, but not because I’m broken but trying to heal the hurt, from all the pain my husband has caused in my life. My husband and I are now separated.

Sarah Johnson

3 months ago (edited)

I was an unintended flying monkey for a few weeks before I realized what the narcissist I ‘knew’ for 2 decades was. To an extent though as I am not a bully or a follower. As soon as I realized what was going on, I told off the narcissist and went no contact. This occurred when he was going through a divorce.

I’m incredibly glad I listened to my own intuition and devised a plan to get rid of the narcissist.

Best thing too? I came to understand the narcissist had only a small handful of friends. He complained about them all and told on himself.

Wondering if you would be able to do a video when the unknown FM’s figure it out, stand up for themselves and turn the tables back on the narcissist? That was literally my situation.

Denise Fuentes

3 months ago

I had flying monkey issues with my narcs two grown children. When with me they seemed understanding and informed. When with him I was constantly thrown under the bus; the root of all evil.

Sam Erickson

2 weeks ago

So... you've just helped me piece together some traumatizing things that have plagued my entire adult life. I really really appreciate this video - and I'm subscribing, because everything is starting to "click." I appreciate you. Thank you so much 😭

Reginald Dove

3 months ago

The devil never stops working.. neither do narcissists..never forget!

Louise Sultana

3 months ago

The media right now are flying monkeys..

Rachel Caruso

1 month ago

Great video, thank you.

"It's like once the narcissist has the flying monkey's ear, they are converted into a cult."

This is exactly what is happening. When there's a narcissist, there's a cult.

And you can look at it from the other direction: who starts and leads cults? Narcissists. Who aids in running the cult? Other narcissists and flying monkeys.

All narcissists are running a cult, or multiple cult factions. Even if you are so isolated in a relationship with just them, and you have no contact with anyone else-- you are in a cult for 2. But you can be sure, on the outside, the narc has a wider cult operation going on, that you just don't get to see from your limited vantage point.

Ideal City Living - ICL, GTV

Sunday 19 July 2020

Flying Monkeys

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